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What It’s Really Like to Have a Threesome

‘I think so many women are actually interested in it and are the ones who initiate it.’

When it comes to threesomes, there’s a lot of planning involved to make it happen. If you were to go by TV or movie standards, it’s rarely the wordless kissing of a tangle of strangers and then waking up the next morning leaving as if nothing happened. Whether you’re looking to join an existing couple in a threesome as their unicorn or invite a third into your relationship or just try it out amongst friends, here’s some advice from real women who have had threesomes on how to make it work:

How old are you?

Woman A: Twenty-six. 

Woman B: Twenty-two.

Woman C: Forty.

How old were you when you first had a threesome?

Woman A: Twenty-five. 

Woman B: Nineteen.

Woman C: Forty.

Were you in a relationship at the time? Who was in the threesome?

Woman A: No, I was not in a relationship. I had been casually seeing/sleeping with the guy and the other participant was one of my close friends. 

Woman B: I was not in a relationship. The threesome was me, my female friend, and a guy we met.

Woman C: I was in a monogamous relationship that I’m still in. The threesome was me, my boyfriend, and another woman.

Who brought up the idea of the threesome?

Woman A: I did. I had talked to the guy beforehand and said I really wanted to have a threesome and I knew that he had before, so I asked him if he would be interested. He was like, “Okay, if you really want to,” and I was like, “YES, I DO.” So I texted my friend telling her.

Woman B: I brought it up with my female friend while at an event for a college organization we both belong to. During the night, we both realized we’d been checking out the same guy. My friend told me she really wanted to sleep with him and I laughed and said I did too. Instead of fighting over him, I joked that we should have a threesome. Less than two weeks later, we were all at a different party and that same guy had his arm around me and told me he really wanted to take me home. I said I wanted to but my friend would have to come with us. At first, the guy didn’t believe us, so he asked me and my friend to make out, which we did, and then we took a cab back to his apartment.

Woman C: My boyfriend brought it up. I was definitely curious but also hesitant about it. I’d wondered about having a threesome before, but I had no idea how it would work or what might happen. I’d also read so much about [how] threesomes could cause trouble in a relationship, so I really had to think about it. In the end, my curiosity won out.

What was the process of choosing the person(s) involved?

Woman A: My friend had experience with it and said that she had the best experience when it was with a close friend she knew, so I wanted that too. I also trusted her because aside from her, my only other friend who has had a threesome/would consider one with me is the type of person who would always go for other guys that I was dating or interested in (especially only once she found out I was interested in that guy), and I didn’t want to have a threesome with a friend who would go for a guy I was potentially interested in.

Woman B: Like I said, ours wasn’t planned. My friend and I had joked about it before, but we never thought it would actually happen until that second party. Plus, the guy had no idea until we told him right before.

Woman C: We spent a lot of time discussing the rules and boundaries that had to be in place during the threesome. I told him he couldn’t French kiss her, but anything else he wanted to do was fair game. We also discussed what I would and wouldn’t do—I wouldn’t go down on her, but he would—and what positions we wanted to try—me sitting on his face while she gave him oral sex was my number one pick. Then we used a local site to find an escort who had a “couple-friendly” reputation and who we both felt was attractive.

“I told him he couldn’t French kiss her, but anything else he wanted to do was fair game.”

What was the hardest part about planning it?

Woman A: I felt so awkward and felt like I couldn’t be as straightforward about it as I wanted to be. I don’t tend to take charge when it comes to sex, yet I was the one out of us three who wanted it.

Woman B: Leaving the party together without anyone else in our organization seeing us.

Woman C: Finding the right woman to participate with us. Because it was my first threesome (it wasn’t his first) and my first time being with a woman, he let me pick out the girls I thought were attractive. Then we’d look at them together to see how they dressed, how they posed in pictures, and how they marketed themselves. We kept narrowing it down over a period of a couple months and then spent a week getting prices from a few just to see how much it would cost. He knew that whoever I wanted to choose as our third was going to be the final answer, though, since he wanted me to be comfortable. Then one night, we just decided to go for it.

Was there anything you were particularly nervous about before the threesome happened?

Woman A: The most nerve-racking thing, which is probably so ridiculous, is that I was due for a wax soon…meaning that I had, like, sparse, weird pubic hair—and I loooove the feeling of being freshly waxed.

Woman B: I was a little nervous about being with a woman sexually because I wasn’t sure exactly how to do that, but it all happened so fast that there wasn’t much time to be nervous.

Woman C: Being with a woman. I was always curious but I had never even kissed another woman before.

Where did you decide to do it?

Woman A: At the guy’s house.

Woman B: At the guy’s apartment.

Woman C: We did it at my house.

How did it start?

Woman A: When she first came over, we all just chatted and hung out, and I, being awkward as always, just sat there doing nothing, wanting someone else to make the move. Then my friend and I started kissing.

Woman B: We definitely had our hands down each other’s pants in the cab, and then once we got to his place, my friend and I started taking turns with the guy.

Woman C: Since we decided to hire an escort, it was pretty straightforward. We spent some time talking with her to get to know her, then she initiated because my boyfriend and I were both too nervous. I think, given another chance, either he or I would initiate since we now have more of an idea what to expect.

And what, uh, happened after that?

Woman A: We moved to the bedroom, hooked up for a little, and then I was honestly tired and went to bed. LOL.

Woman B: My friend and I mostly took turns having cowgirl-style sex with him, with occasional breaks for the missionary position. Not much happened between her and myself besides us fingering each other occasionally. Then after she went to sleep, he and I kept having sex.

Woman C: She started with touching and undressing me while my boyfriend watched, then she went down on me while he was kissing and touching her and me simultaneously. After that, she started giving him a blow job while he went down on me and it all ended with him having sex with her while going down on me until we all finished.

Did the threesome go the way you’d imagined?

Woman A: I think I was too nervous ahead of time, so I drank too much and got tired.

Woman B: No, it wasn’t as balanced as I would have liked it to be. I felt a little bad about leaving my friend [out of] a lot of it, but that’s just how it happened in the moment, unfortunately.

Woman C: Kind of, but not really. I told him we needed to try again another time because I wanted to be more actively involved than I was. I didn’t say anything at the time, but I definitely felt disappointed. I said something to him later when we were alone about feeling left out and we talked about what I could have done differently. In the end, he simply laughed and said, “Next time, then.” I know he’d do it again if I were up for it.

Were there any unexpected problems?

Woman A: I wanted to have a more passive role because I had been in a serious committed relationship before, and I was always so curious about how people had sex. But then I felt like I became the center of attention with two people asking me what I wanted, which made sense—I was the one who set it all up, after all. Since I’m normally more passive in the bedroom, I didn’t know what to do with one let alone two people asking.

Woman B: No.

Woman C: No. I don’t think that my not being involved as much as I’d wanted was a problem as much as it was a rookie mistake. Overall, it was an enjoyable experience, but my boyfriend agreed that he wished I’d been more involved with her.

What was the most exciting part of the threesome?

Woman A: Having something new that I’d always wanted to try, especially because I had never been with a woman sexually before.

Woman B: The danger of someone in our college organization finding out we’d all hooked up and being shocked by that. That was kind of thrilling. And it was fun for my friend and me to feel like we were seducing this hot guy together.

Woman C: Seeing the excitement on my boyfriend’s face when he got to play with two women.

The least exciting?

Woman A: Being too tired and a bit stressed out about not knowing what to do.

Woman B: Having sex with two people was a lot more difficult than I anticipated, especially since my friend and I are very straight. Trying to figure out how to involve everyone in the moment wasn’t super fun.

Woman C: Everything was exciting.

What did you find to be the best positions for incorporating all three people into sex?

Woman A: Because I wanted to have a more passive role, I enjoyed just making out with my friend and having her play with me while she and the guy were having sex.

Woman B: Him on his back performing oral sex on one of us, while the other one was on top of him, cowgirl-style.

Woman C: Having one girl on top who is riding him, with the other sitting on his face because everyone’s being pleasured at once.

Did you and your partner(s) talk about the threesome afterward at all?

Woman A: Not really.

Woman B: My friend and I laughed about it afterward. We actually had a friend of ours pick us up the next morning and we gave her details together. Luckily, my friend and I have such a good friendship that jealousy never entered the equation. She and I did talk afterward about how the threesome ended up being too much of me having sex with the guy and leaving her out, but there wasn’t any jealousy or weird feelings. I think we all just thought it was a sexy little secret between us.

Woman C: Yes. We talked about how we felt, what went well, what we would do differently, and whether or not we wanted to do it again. It wasn’t a difficult conversation to have because we just joked about it first and then asked each other questions. I asked him about how it felt when he touched her, how she tasted, if he had fun, and if he would do it again. We still talk about it occasionally because it’s part of our relationship and it was an experience we had together.

Did having a threesome with your boyfriend and someone else change your relationship change at all?

Woman A: No. He wasn’t my boyfriend at the time.

Woman B: Not really. We are open and honest about everything, and this was just a happy memory that we intend to repeat eventually.

Have you had more threesomes since then?

Woman A: No.

Woman B: No, but I wouldn’t be opposed to doing it again if the right opportunity came up. I would also be interested in doing more with the other woman. I was pretty sexually inexperienced for my first threesome, but I think I’m more confident now.

Woman C: Not yet.

What do you think is the biggest misconception about threesomes, at least among women?

Woman A: Amongst my friends, who have all been in serious long-term committed and monogamous relationships, they all always think it’s a guy’s fantasy and that I would only have one because the guy initiated and wanted it. But I think so many women are actually interested in it and are the ones who initiate it.

Woman B: That you’ll know exactly what to do in the moment, because it was definitely harder than I thought. Also, when I had my first threesome, I felt like I had to stick to my heterosexual identity, which made it hard to get into having sex with a man and another woman. Now that I’m older, I would view myself as more sexually fluid and open to experiencing more. I think the threesome would’ve been a lot more fun if my friend and I had been willing to abandon the ideas we had about our sexuality.

Woman C: That only young people have them.

What advice would you give to Cosmo readers who are considering having a threesome?

Woman A: The same advice my friend gave me—do it with someone you’re close and comfortable with. Before the threesome, my friend knew I had been drinking, so she pulled me aside and wanted to make sure it wasn’t a rash decision or something that could change our friendship. I hadn’t even thought about that, but I think that was really important because it wouldn’t have been worth it if it made things bad between us afterward.

“Do it with someone you’re close and comfortable with.”

Woman B: Choose a partner who doesn’t have any inhibitions about getting down and dirty. If you’re single and choosing two other partners who are also single, make sure that you have a good-enough relationship with both people involved so there won’t be any jealousy or attachment. Definitely have a three-way cuddle afterward. Seriously, if you thought cuddling with one person was great, cuddling with two is amazing.

Woman C: Be very picky about your third. Make sure you trust your partner completely and that you both want it. Also, don’t drink too much. Liquid courage is fine in moderation, but know your limit so you can really enjoy the experience.

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This article was originally published in Cosmopolitan US

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