13 Things Guys Don't Want You to Do in Bed

Stop thinking about the sex stuff you need to be doing!

1 Make a ton of noise when you orgasm

What guys think
Sex noises (and dirty talk) are always great but focus on your orgasm, not on yelling. Some women get sort of quiet right before the big moment. Some like to yell. Do whatever you need to do, not what you think we want you to do.

Related: Sex Camp: 5 In-Tents Positions

2 Talk in an itsy-bitsy baby voice the whole time

What guys think
I never, ever want to hear the baby voice during sex. Full disclosure: I never want to hear it but it’s even worse during sex. Think about what’s happening: you’re pretending to be a baby when someone is having sex with you. Is this a thing? Does anyone really do this?

3 Deep-throat

What guys think
Deep throating is nice but you’d be surprised what you can do with your hands and just the tip in your mouth (hint: it’s lots of semen. You can get the penis to produce semen using just your hands and the tip).

4 For you to have, like, eight hands and be able to turn into a human sex carnival

What guys think
As much as guys would love to bang a human sex carnival (it’s all we talk about when we get together for beers and sports), don’t do anything you’re not physically comfortable doing. Both parties need to focus on supporting the actual act of sexual intercourse first. If you can’t balance on one hand and reach behind you to tickle our balls during doggy style, that’s totally fine. We’d rather have great sex than have both of us faceplant when you try to pull off an advanced manoeuvre.

Related: 8 Signs You’re Having Sex with the Right Person

5 Say his name over and over again

What guys think
A couple times is enough, and it’s not even necessary (but it is super-hot). Just don’t say it over and over or we’ll think we f*cked ourselves into a time loop.

6 Keep your eyes closed the whole time even though you kind of want to see what’s going on

What guys think
I get that some people might be put off by unbroken, direct eye contact but keeping your eyes closed through all of it is weirder. It means either A) you don’t want to look at us or B) you’re thinking about something (someone?) else entirely.

7 Put on complex lingerie every time sex happens

What guys think
I don’t think guys are surprised when they find out you’ve got your granny panties on because you forgot to do laundry. You definitely don’t always need to be wearing sexy underwear. Or any underwear. It’s just another layer for us to fumble with while we’re trying to get you naked.

8 Pull his hair to show how into it you are

What guys think
We tend to have really short hair and this can be kind of terrible. I certainly don’t want to speak for every guy out there (some dudes like it) but there are tons of ways to show us you’re into it. I mean, realistically, if we’re doing a good job, you won’t even have to think about showing us you’re having a good time. It’ll come (ha!) naturally.

9 Just lie there while he takes control of the situation

What guys think
Do what feels right. Taking control can be super-hot but don’t do it if it’s not working for you. That’s like having no idea how to fly but jumping behind the controls of a 747 and trying to land in Orgasmtown.

Related: How to Choose Your First Sex Toy – It CAN Be Totally Painless!

10 Act like you’ve never done any of it before

What guys think
This can be really exciting but it can also put a lot of pressure on us. Just be honest. In the heat of the moment, having a few well-practised tricks up your sleeve is hot.

11 Need your hair and makeup to look perfect afterwards

What guys think
Sex hair is hot. I really hope no-one is worried about messing up their hair during sex. That sounds so … boring.

12 Not care if you didn’t orgasm

What guys think
Any guy who’s even halfway decent in bed will make sure you get yours. If he knows what he’s doing, he should want to make sure you orgasm first. If he doesn’t, then he’s just a shitty lay. (Note that ‘doesn’t’ and ‘can’t’ are two different things: it’s not easy for everyone to orgasm but he should be putting forth the effort.)

13 Never speak up if you don’t like something

What guys think
Not every guy wants to be bossed around but definitely don’t keep quiet if something isn’t working. He’s not going to complain if you’re helping him get you to orgasm.

This article was originally published on Cosmopolitan.com

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