×

Think You've Had Messy Sex? These Stories.. Um.. Take the Cake

‘There was blood in and around my mouth’

I think I blame Noah and Ally’s reunion sex scene for the warped ideas I had about how neat and tidy sex was. It only took my first two experiences with penis-in-vagina sex (where my boyfriend somehow managed to TOE my vagina accidentally after we did the deed) to realise that, in fact, sex is messy.

via GIPHY

Hell, it’s supposed to be. It’s this super intimate smooshing together of two bodies that both have their own things going on. Yet whatever your own toe-in-the-vagina messy sex story is, these Redditors who shared their stories pretty much take the cake, and then some.

All hail messy sex

1 Escaping unscathed

‘Not too long ago, I vomited while giving a blow job to my current friend with benefits. He sort of accepted it as a consequence of his enjoyment of making me deep throat/choke, but woo buddy did it ever reek. And it was in his car. AND he didn’t have any napkins.

I didn’t get any of it on me though. :)’

2 In and around my mouth

‘I got my period during sex and I didn’t realise it. After intercourse I gave him a blowjob and something tasted…off, but I didn’t put two and two together. Then after sex the guy turned on the lights…blood was everywhere. Blood all over the counter, blood on the floor, blood all over his crotch, blood on the walls, and blood IN AND AROUND MY MOUTH. It was disgusting.’

3 You’re doing great sweetie

‘Boyfriend came in my hair once, I didn’t notice and went about my daily business for a few hours before discovering it. Yay.’

via GIPHY

4 I threw up and cried

‘Tried to have sex in the woods thinking it a would be all adventurous and sexy. We found a nice looking soft spot and started going at it. Then he flipped me over.. Into a massive pile of dog poop. I threw up and cried.

Also one time I was pretty drunk, and my boyfriend at the time wanted to 69, but I really had to pee. He was like, “nooo just wait until afterwards!” I peed on his face, mostly in his mouth. Oops.’

5 Short, sweet, hilarious

‘I also got a lovely period clot on my boyfriend’s dick that scared him so much I think he almost fainted.’

via GIPHY

6 Anal elephant in the room

‘I was having fun with my female friend with benefits, and we were playing with some toys. I had a long strand of anal beads inside me, we were pushing our crotches together, I decided pulling the strand out would make it feel even more awesome. I did, and it was covered in poop.

Terrified of her noticing, I tossed it onto the bedroom floor somewhere out of the way, and got back to business, and once we were done I made an excuse to get up and hid it. I don’t think she noticed, but she could well have smelled it.’

7 ‘I’m schtuck’

‘I was 17 and worked for a movie theatre. My boyfriend at the time also worked for said movie theatre. As employees we were acutely aware of which theatres were empty at what times. So before work one day we snuck off to a movie no one was watching and sat in the back and fooled around. Eventually he goes down on me. I’m enjoying it but I see a shadow near the door and tell him “ooh, get up someone is coming”.

I feel a tug and hear him say “I’m schtuck”. Now, this was the late 90s, maybe 2000, tongue rings were the IT thing. Somehow his tongue ring got tangled in my pubes. I guess the top ball wasn’t tight enough or something.

He had to rip the hair in half to get loose. As he’s getting up someone actually did walk in. I was so paranoid I slid on to the ground of the back row to pull my pants up. He was laughing so hard and going “wtf why are you on the ground?” I was mortified.

My razor and I became besties that night.’

Read more about sex

 

More From

Relationships

Relationships 16 Dec 2018 SHARE
Is the Softboy the New F*ckboy in 2019?
Relationships 03 Dec 2018 SHARE
Here’s Why You’re Still Thirsty for Your High School Crush
Relationships 07 Nov 2018 SHARE
Slow Dating Is the French-Invented Hack That Will Save Your Love Life