Getting super-drunk with your partner is a huge gamble. It’s either going to end with one of you in tears while the other one barfs up all the vodka and boerie rolls they just shoved down their gullet or it’s going to end with one of you really happy and the other one barfing up all the vodka and boerie rolls they just shoved down their gullet. One of those scenarios is marginally better than the other – but before you hit that point, you’re absolutely going to have a Drunk Couple Conversation (DCC for short).
1 The huge commitment with no regard for time or money
‘We should totally plan a month-long trip to Europe.’ After four glasses of the expensive wine your parents gave you as a housewarming gift, any sense of obligation goes right out of the window. Suddenly, you’re planning trips to Paris and trying to order Rosetta Stone off the Internet (bonus points if you forgot about ordering it until after it shows up on your doorstep).
2 The ill-conceived business venture
‘Why don’t we open up a bar together?’ or ‘Babe, you should quit your job and just make candles. You make amazing candles.’ YOU ARE AMAZING AND YOU CAN DO ANYTHING AND YOUR JOB SUCKS AND YOU’RE ABOUT TO FIND A BUNCH OF NAPKINS WITH TERRIBLE BUSINESS IDEAS SCRAWLED ON THEM. They’re in all your pockets and also your pants, when you eventually got so drunk you couldn’t tell the difference between your waistband and your pockets.
3 The irrationally angry argument about nothing
‘How many people have you dry-humped in your life?’ A few beers can make some people get really, really angry about the dumbest shit. Prepare yourself for ‘I can’t believe you don’t love eggs as much as I do. That means we’re not meant to be together’ and ‘I’m going to punch all your ex-boyfriends in the face. Even the one guy you sort of dated in middle school who later came out as gay.’
Related: 25 Thoughts You Have When Drunk
4 The fantasy about your future kids
‘Thank you for cleaning up my vomit and changing me and putting me to bed. You’re going to be such a good parent.’ This one is actually kind of true but it also means one of you is basically a giant baby.
5 The fight over extremely exaggerated emotions
‘You were so mean to me.’ When one of you is ‘mean’ to the other, it usually just means you cut them off at the bar before they threw up everywhere and did that drunk-dead-weight thing people do where they become impossible to carry out. That’s not mean. If anything, you’re mean, okay?
6 The arbitrary love competition that sounds like you’re reading your most embarrassing texts aloud
‘I love you so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so much!’ If any of your friends ever heard you talking like this, they’d make fun of you forever.
Related: 11 Reasons Drunk You Is the Worst
7 The super-urgent marriage proposal
‘I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I’M GOOGLING TO SEE IF ANY COURTHOUSES ARE OPEN RIGHT NOW OH NO I JUST SPILLED PIMM’S ALL OVER THE KEYBOARD WHY THE HELL ARE WE EVEN DRINKING PIMM’S?’ Neither one of you is even going to risk bringing this up tomorrow. The advanced version of this is being the couple who always ‘gets engaged’ at someone else’s wedding at 1am, when everyone is wasted.
8 The declaration of your darkest, weirdest sexual fantasies that only make sense in your drunk brain
‘I just want to wrap your torso in plastic wrap and not let you go to the bathroom all day. I’m so into that. That’s so hot.’ You’re about to have a very weird morning…
This article was originally published on Cosmopolitan.com