1. Oh man, I might not actually die alone. How exciting! Now I can say things like, ‘Yeah, I can’t meet up that night because it’s Valentine’s Day, and me and my boyfriend are going out. Maybe the day after. You know, if we’re done having sex by then, hahahahaha.’
2. Yessss, I won’t have to buy a gigantic bar of supermarket chocolate for myself this year! R.I.P. 150g slab of any chocolate I like that says it’s four servings but is actually one serving because I said so.
3. Oh, no. What if he gets me a giant bar of supermarket chocolate but it’s somehow even worse than what I’d normally buy for me? Like one of those slabs that just tastes like it’s crumbling in your mouth and you wonder how someone could be allowed to do that to chocolate when chocolate is so sacred. Or one of those tiny boxes of chocolates that are for eighth graders who don’t know any better and also don’t have jobs. OK, I need to calm down.
4. What if he’s one of those guys who doesn’t believe in Valentine’s Day? Am I one of those women who does believe in Valentine’s Day? What if I turn into a monster who expects a horse-drawn carriage to a five-star restaurant at the bare minimum … actually, that sounds nice. I want that now.
5. TBH, if I’m not drowning in roses and also have to swim over the roses to get out my front door every morning, I’m going to be very disappointed. This doesn’t usually happen to me, and he should know that and name, like, 14 stars after me, and then we should go to Paris. Is that too much? I think it’s just enough.
6. What if he doesn’t know about my dream Valentine’s Day plans and instead gets me a gigantic teddy bear I seriously do not have room for? And then I guess I have to move to a bigger place that can house a 6-foot bear my boyfriend got for me (aka a classic reason for moving).
6. Crap, now we have to pick something to do that isn’t super cheesy or weird or costs R2 000. Do I look at restaurants and suggest them, or does he? All those years I spent mocking special Valentine’s Day menus at restaurants that served chocolate desserts with flecks of gold in them were clearly a waste because I couldn’t name one of those places if I tried. Plus, now I have to Google ‘fancy Valentine’s Day restaurant Mark can afford’ and hope for the best.
7. Yay! I get to get all dressed up and fancy! I‘m like a human video montage of ‘cool girl getting ready for her bomb Valentine’s Day plans.’ I’m gonna drop so much cash on this because why not!
8. Crap, I have to find something to wear for Valentine’s Day. That means I have to actually go to a store, try on 30 red dresses, probably get my nails done, and find a pair of red heels, all in an effort to look like the living embodiment of the colour red so my boyfriend knows I love him. Can’t I just wear jeans?
9. What do you even get someone for Valentine’s Day when you’re not 13?! I’m starting to see why my boyfriend would hypothetically get me crap chocolate and a giant bear because I genuinely have no idea. Is this a quirky gift situation? I am lost.
10. If we don’t have sex tonight, is our relationship doomed forever? I wonder if there’s a way to gently write that in a card or if it’s just implied. Either way, we are doing it.
11. I wish I hadn’t spent so many Valentine’s Days feeling crappy about not having someone. This holiday basically means nothing, but I’m still really excited to have someone on a day when society wants me to have someone. Yay, love, etc.
This article was originally published on cosmopolitan.com