Ah, pillow talk. Once described as the place that is so pure, so dirty, so raw, it’s the place you spend your time effing (and if you’re not careful) fighting—thanks, Zayn, for that lyric!
But, let’s be honest: As much as you may think pillow talk is the right time to bring up serious DTR talks, really, your happy endorphins are just mind-effing you into thinking it’s the best time. Newsflash: It is not.
‘We’re never more vulnerable than during sex, which includes immediately before and after,’ says relationship and sex therapist Eliza Boquin, founder of The Flow & Ease Healing Center. ‘This is why we want to avoid certain topics that can either result in our partner’s shutting down emotionally, or giving us less-than-sincere answers.’
Below are the no-no topics to avoid immediately post-sex, no matter if you just got done sexing with your S.O., booty call, one-night stand, FWB, etc.
1 Don’t critique your partner’s performance
Unless it’s in a genuine, helpful way—and they’re asking for feedback—refrain from rating the sex, in general. Your moves aren’t based on a 1-10 scale, and neither are your partners. The criticism will shut down the intimacy and can take a real toll on their ability to be vulnerable with you in the future, says Boquin.
2 Don’t comment on their body, either
Please, for the love of everything, do not use the blissful time post-sex to tell your partner to get back in the gym. ‘They’ve just shared a deeply intimate moment with you, and doing anything other than expressing admiration and appreciation for their body is not okay,’ says Boquin. Duh!
3 Don’t bring up ongoing topics of conflict
It’s totally not the time to address your potential mother-in-law’s meddling ways. That after-glow isn’t a green-light for tackling topics that are normally better suited as a serious discussion. We promise, all this will do is kill the buzz and end the cuddle sesh.
4 Don’t discuss previous sexual experiences
I mean, seriously… This isn’t the time to group your partner into a compare-and-contrast chart compiled with all your exes. ‘It’s important to discuss sexual history with a partner, but not immediately after sex,’ advises Boquin. Do. Not. Utter. The. Words: ‘My ex used to…’ immediately after sex, mmk?
5 Don’t use it as an opp to get them to agree to something they’ve been opposed to
‘This can leave your partner feeling manipulated or pressured,’ says Boquin. And let’s be honest, most of the time, we’re not in the mood to tackle serious subjects immediately after sex – especially if it’s been an issue before. If they weren’t ready to meet your family before sex, they’re not going to be ready to meet them 30 minutes after sex either. Give it time.
6 Don’t ask them where they learned how to do that
This goes back to the whole ex thing, and there’s just really no good answer here. It’s kind of like the equivalent of asking, ‘Does this make my butt look big?’ Trust, nothing good will come from this.
7 Don’t discuss the future of your relationship if you’re hoping the sex will result in commitment
Sorry, but sex doesn’t necessarily always equate to commitment but obviously it’s important to be on the same page about your relationship status. Save the DTR talk for another time to avoid insincere answers.
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan US
Read more about sex