As we close the door on 2018 (it’s about f*ckin’ time), it’s normal to reminisce on the year past and take stock of our blessings; Chrissy Teigen, you know – being who she is. As well as our anti-blessings; Donald Trump – you know, for being who he is.
I could implore you to revisit the recesses of your mind and address the trauma the plethora of fuckboys you encountered this year likely put you through, but rather, let’s look ahead. Let us not dwell on the past, where blue ticks were disabled galore and ‘We never said we were official’ marches through our minds like a mantra from hell. Let us look to the future.
Let’s talk about the softboy, 2019’s new fuckboy
Much like the fuckboy, the softboy does not want to settle down. He doesn’t want to meet your parents, and he too, will never explicitly say you are official. He will, however, according to Urban Dictionary, butter you up real nice, and show affection so well that you’d bet your last nose pore strip on him being genuine.
‘Similar to a fuckboy but without the cocky attitude. The Softboy will butter a girl up by appealing to her emotions and showing a “sensitive” side long enough for her to sleep with him, whether or not he actually cares about her or not. Then, like the fuckboy, he can’t/won’t commit.’
The core difference between the fuckboy and the softboy rests, in my opinion, on the evolved patience of the softboy. He will indeed ask how your day was. He may send you a message asking after your sick dog. He’ll remember that you hate sweet potatoes and that you crave garlic bread when you’re PMSing – but like a period – this too shall come to pass. And worst of all, his sting may be worse than that of the fuckboy. Because, as Urban Dictionary puts it, he ‘differs from the fuckboy because he goes for the heart and emotions rather than just the body.’
You may not see him coming
Recently, I was paying for my groceries in a Checkers when I noticed Barbie and Ken knock-offs being sold next to the till. In awe and horror, I picked up Ken only to discover that resting on the top of his hard, plastic little head, was a man bun. A plastic man bun on his plastic head. You see, the fuckboy is so well-established at this point that his image is now enshrined, devastatingly, in the playthings of children. Sad indeed, but at least we know what we’re looking out for. We’ve not yet nailed down the tell-tale signs of the softboy.
Think Dan Humphrey of Gossip Girl (when he’s with anyone other than Serena). Think Seth Cohen (when he’s with anyone other than Summer). Basically, think of pale men in jerseys who expertly masquerade as a shoulder to cry on and who is often described as a ‘nice guy’.
Listen, we shouldn’t generalise. I’m sure there are many sensitive men who genuinely are nice guys, who opt to take it slow. But if he swings left into Ghost Town when you think you’re heading right, don’t say we didn’t warn you.
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