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If You Have Trouble Reaching Orgasm, Read This

For starters: you’re not alone.

‘Elusive’ and ‘orgasm’ are two words that should never appear in the same sentence. Yet, according to a UK National Survey of Sex and Behaviour quoted in the Daily Sun, women only achieve orgasm 64% of the time whereas men orgasm during 91% of their sexual encounters.

Despite many women seeming to be in the same boat, it seems we’re too shy to speak up, which, according to clinical sexologist Elna McIntosh, may be contributing to the problem. ‘Feelings of guilt and shame can lead to an inability to reach orgasm,’ she says. But what could have caused these negative feelings?

Turns out it can be anything from a mother not opening up to her daughter about sex to schools or adults in a position of power relaying negative sex messages. As sad as it is that the number of women actually reaching orgasm during sex is still so low, McIntosh says there is reason to be proud. ‘I’ve seen a huge change. In 1998, when South Africans first started speaking openly about the female orgasm on radio and in other media, many people were disgusted but these days it has become much easier.’

Now that the conversation is in full swing, McIntosh says she receives weekly emails from women seeking help with achieving orgasm. ‘The main problem is that women know nothing about their anatomy. They need to know where what is. Sex is about moving and breathing. It’s like a dance.’ When put so eloquently, we can’t help but want to put on some dancing shoes and take off everything else.

The first step in getting the Big O? Learning to give it to yourself before you expect anyone else to. How can you tell your partner what you want if you don’t know what works for you yourself? For this, experimentation is key. ‘Get a mirror and actually look what is going on with your anatomy,’ McIntosh suggests. And then masturbate, masturbate, masturbate.

Once you’re ready to experiment with your partner, she advises getting a cock ring: ‘Get one that fits at the base of the penis and vibrate right by your clitoris.’ (Visit desir.co.za or passionfruit.co.za to browse a few.) Don’t expect orgasms to appear the way they do in movies. As McIntosh says, ‘An orgasm is an orgasm is an orgasm, whether it’s caused by his penis or his hand.’

Basically, that means don’t be upset if your man can get you off in one way but not another. Enjoy your orgasm for what it is: three to 20 seconds of absolute bliss. The main thing is to keep the conversation open and judgment-free. Get comfortable with the subject, become familiar with your body and, McIntosh says.

If you feel that your trouble could be something more serious than not knowing your own body, see a specialist. Everything from anti-depressants to diabetes or poor circulation could be contributing factors. But breathe easy, ladies. As McIntosh says, ‘At the end of the day, all most of us need is some clitoral stimulation.’

Read Read: My Boyfriend is Putting Pressure on Me to Orgasm

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