Dodgy Sex Confessions (Part One)

You’ll cringe, then crack up, after reading these true stories of the most memorable booty bloopers doctors have ever seen.

You’ll cringe, then crack up, after reading these true stories of the most memorable booty bloopers doctors and nurses have ever seen.

Unscheduled Delivery
‘During a thunderstorm, a rescue squad radioed that they were bringing in a young woman with severe menstrual cramps. I was the nurse assigned to take her medical history. Although obviously in discomfort, the woman looked totally healthy. She told me she’d been having normal periods, which was frustrating to her because she and her man had been trying to get pregnant for some time. I reassured her that the gynaecologist on duty would be able to give her something for the pain, but when the doctor came in to examine her, he took one look and said that not only was she pregnant, but she was going to have a baby right then! We rushed her to the maternity floor, and soon after, she delivered a healthy baby girl.’

Sponge-Bath Slipup
‘When I was just starting out as a nurse, I had to give a sponge bath to an incredibly hot male patient. I tried to be very professional about it and not embarrass either one of us. But when it was time to wash his back, instead of saying, "Turn over," I accidentally blurted out, "Move over". He gave me a huge grin and said, "Oh, I don’t know if there’s enough room, but trust me, I’ll try!"’

Heart-Stopping Sex
‘I’ll never forget the time an ambulance brought in a young slacker guy and his girlfriend. They had decided to get it on in his grandmother’s garage while she was out of the house. They’d grabbed a tube of what they thought was lubricant from her well-stocked medicine cabinet. Unfortunately, it was nitro-glycerine paste, a heart drug that can cause a potentially fatal drop in blood pressure. When Grandma came home, she found the couple lying on top of each other, unconscious and butt naked. They eventually came to after we gave them oxygen and fluids.’

Stuck On You
‘One night, a gurney rolled in carrying a woman in black lingerie – who happened to be straddling a naked man. They told us that they had been doing a lot of drugs and having wild sex when the woman’s vagina cramped up and the guy couldn’t pull out. The doctor on duty gave her muscle relaxants, and after several minutes, they were able to separate. Then they were promptly arrested on drug charges.’

Toy With Him
‘A guy came into the emergency room one night. When the doctor asked him to describe his problem, he reached into his bag, pulled out a sex-toy catalogue, and pointed to a long, curved toy on one of the pages. ‘I can show you what’s in there,’ he winked. ‘Now let’s see if you can get it out.’ The doctor did, after leaving the room to stop laughing so hard.’

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