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7 Reasons to Date a Teacher

They’re probs in no rush to have kids of their own

I am definitely NOT a teacher. In fact, kids kinda creep me out (they’re sticky all the time!) but my two best friends are. The one is a genius Montessori teacher and the other is a heaven-sent special-needs teacher and, I must admit, based on how teaching has molded them, if I was a man or a lesbian I’d woo them until they loved me.

Here are 7 reasons to date a teacher if you have the chance.

1 Their capacity to maintain a sense of calm is SOMETHING ELSE ALL TOGETHER

You know when you’re being a little shit and you know you’re being a little shit but you continue being a little shit anyway? Teachers have this crazy way of being super-patient with you without actually letting you think your behaviour is okay. They’re like, ‘Okay, Christy, have your ridiculous freak-out and we’ll just patiently wait for you to finish and then explain that you’re wrong and that we’re kinda disappointed in you so just do better next time, okay?’

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But also WARNING: Some days their patience has been worn down altogether by actual children and so they’ll scream at you because they couldn’t scream at their pupils. There’s a fine line, people. Learn it, live it, love it.

2 They’re used to bodily fluids

So someone’s period started during sex or your anal sex went awry. Teachers (of young children, at least) tend to be super-comfortable with bodily fluids because they have to be.

3 They have the BEST stories

Like, did you hear the one about the kid who only communicates via Lady Gaga lyrics and who greets everyone by singing, ‘RAH-AH-RAH-AH-AH-AH’. Or the one about the four-year-old who told the teacher to, and I quote, ‘Sit down and be humble?’ KIDS ARE SOMETHING ELSE THESE DAYS, GUYS.

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4 They have a thick skin

Again, this is because they have to. If a kid hates your nail-polish colour or thinks you look fat in a particular dress, they’re straight-up gonna tell you.

5 Sometimes they bring you treats

So they smuggled some choc-chip cookies out of the class and brought them home after baking day. You’re wary, because you don’t know which sticky little hands played a part in making said cookies, but you eat them anyway because … cookies.

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6 They’re probably not itching to have babies any time soon

Because their work days are like hours of mental contraception.

7 When you eventually do have kids, they’ll know how to not f*ck them up.

Because they know the ins and outs of the minds of children and know to treat them like the special, little human individuals that they are.

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