If you’ve ever been in a relationship and felt like the furry ’70s-esque sex rug has been pulled from under your feet, you’ll know the first port of call for your panic is the following: He’s not attracted to me any more.
While, according to sex therapist Laurie J Watson in Psychology Today, a loss of attraction can be to blame for your boo not wanting to have sex, there are other reasons that could be at play.
1 He could have low testosterone
Testosterone is the hormone that makes men hungry for sex, says Watson. If there is a drastic change in your man’s sex drive, lowered levels of testosterone could be to blame. ‘Often a man’s T-levels fall for unknown reasons, leading to reduced desire and often poorer erections. When desire wanes and the man’s experience is different from earlier in his relationship, it’s time to go to the doctor,’ Watson says.
2 He may have performance anxiety
If a man can’t maintain a firm erection, it can wreak havoc with his confidence and ultimately result in performance anxiety. ‘Regardless of whether he feels desire, if a man has problems getting or keeping an erection, or if he has trouble lasting a fair time during intercourse, he may hesitate to initiate.’
If his partner isn’t aware of his anxiety it’s, of course, natural to take it personally. For this reason, being honest with each other is key.
3 He’s on his own mission
Or as Watson puts it, he’s after self-sufficiency. ‘Whether to escape the vulnerability of being the initiator or simply to take a break from depending on another to meet their sexual needs, some men prefer masturbating over partnered sex.’ If your partner watches a lot of porn, this could be why. ‘It’s easy, it’s exciting, and it’s efficient. And, it spares them the sexual negotiation with a partner that can feel exhausting.’
4 Men are from Mars
Men and women are different. Unsurprisingly, the bedroom is not exempt from this fact. While men (because of that good ol’ testosterone) are ready to go without much revving up, we women need some warming up (duh) and lots of foreplay (duh to infinity). It’s not even about gender, though, says Watson. It’s about a reciprocation of lust. ‘They’d love an aggressive partner, an animal moment, an uninhibited encounter that is wild and free.’ Wouldn’t we all, though?
5 The dreaded word: affair
You know how I said the first port of call for your panic is a loss of attraction? Yeah… It swiftly gives way to the fear that your partner is cheating. ‘Affairs can start because of sexual frustration, but they are often a complicated solution to seemingly unsolvable problems within the primary relationship,’ explains Watson.
An affair, Watson explains, may result in the man not wanting sex with his partner either out of guilt or because he is already sexually satisfied.
Watson’s advice for any of the above is communication. ‘Start with one-on-one conversations, but if you find you’re having trouble communicating, or not seeing any progress, seek the help of a counsellor.’
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