The 2018 FIFA World Cup is officially here and for many of us, this means evenings spent yelling aimlessly at the TV screen alongside friends who actually know what the fuck is going on. It means wondering why the camera won’t simply stay put on that one cute guy with the dimples (or the calf muscles, or the deliciously tight butt), and wishing you knew more about this much-loved game so you could fully immerse yourself in the experience. LOL. I got a bit carried away with that last one.
But really, I suspect I’m not the only person who wishes they could blow the lid off the whole damn place by saying some super enlightened shit to their know-it-all, football fanatic friends.
It was for this reason that I sought the help of writer and revered Football for Dummies Consultant, Stef Adonis, for his official guide to bullshitting your way through Russia 2018.
Here are 10 things you absolutely must know going into the World Cup.
1 The best looking ones aren’t the best footballers
Look no further than Roberto Firmino, Thomas Muller and Diego Costa for examples. David Beckham was the exception, not the rule.
2 Know the previous winners
Germany in 2014, Spain in 2010, Italy in 2006, Anyone who knows anything further back than that would probably call your bluff anyway.
3 Don’t bother trying to learn the offside rule
If a player is running freely towards the goal, shout ‘Offside!’ or ‘Linesman!’
4 Do not compare soccer balls to testicles
This is not funny, nor is it Grade 7.
5 The Russian government allegedly bribed FIFA for the right to host the 2018 tournament
Just like SA allegedly did in 2010, and Qatar allegedly did for 2022. For extra points, talk about how corruption has snuck its way into society at large.
6 Tell people where you were when Siphiwe Tshabalala scored that goal in 2010
They won’t care, but you will evoke precious memories of the 2010 World Cup.
7 Cristiano is not the real Ronaldo
There was a better, nicer and less arrogant Ronaldo at World Cups 1998, 2002 and 2006.
8 Pele was not as good as people said he was
Shock value will render your audience dumbstruck.
9 Shakira is married to Gerard Pique
But Gerard Pique is not married to Shakira.
10 If Messi does anything say the following:
‘We’ll never see another player like this, ever.’ This one trumps all.
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