1 The emergency-lane driver
You’d better be rushing to the toilet, dude, or the hospital to have your dangly bits surgically reattached. Because that’s what the emergency lane is for. EMERGENCIES. I know, right?
2 The motorcyclist who lane-splits the middle/fast lane of the highway while his mate does the slow/middle lane
I’m all about thinking bike – but thinking two bikes plus the scooter in the emergency lane? A bit of a stretch.
3 The person who pulls into the middle of the intersection knowing full well he won’t clear it in time, effectively blocking the intersection for the next three turns of the traffic signal
There’s a special place in hell for this asshole.
4 The guy behind you who keeps hooting because you refuse to be the asshole in point 3 above
I don’t want to go to hell.
Because no matter where you live, five minutes of drizzle and everyone on the road loses their collective shit and all driving ability. Like rain is a new thing.
6 The obviously crazy woman behind you, flashing lights and gesticulating wildly because you’ve left half a car’s length of space in front of you
Sweetie, it’s called a ‘safe following distance’. Or it will be that once we actually start moving – which could be in 2017 at this rate because there’s a truck blocking both lanes of this road. I also have places to be, so believe me when I say that if I could get there any faster, I would. Also, the Muppets called and they want their car-seat dance back…
7 The twit who slots into your following-distance half-gap because, you know, you left it there just for her to slot into
Related: 25 Annoying Boyfriend Habits
8 The guy who tries to cut across two lanes of bumper-to-bumper traffic into the turning lane in front of you, causing utter chaos – like he just realised this very instant that his turn was coming up
Swak move, bru – and it’ll be a cold day in hell before I give you a gap.
9 The woman who doesn’t understand the concept of ‘merge’
I go, then you go, then he goes, then she goes. My lane, your lane. It’s the opposite of rocket science.
11 The chick in front of you, texting on her phone
Yeah, we’re not moving and I’ve also sneaked a peek at my Twitter – but also, the cars in front of you are now two blocks away, so maybe it’s time to look up and catch up…? Shot, babe.
12 The chick behind you, texting on her phone
Because there is absolutely no guarantee she won’t rear-end you at some point – and even at 10km/h that’s the kind of cluster that rhymes with duck.
13 The bakkie in front of you, filled with ‘passengers’
Not only is this illegal but now they’re all staring. Why are they all staring? #totesawks
14 The girl pumping Loyal so loud your windows are rattling
Chris Brown? Really?
16 Everyone at a traffic circle
17 The common Capetonian lane-hogger
So now there’s a break in traffic and you can crank up your car to a massive 50km/h, whoop… Or you would, if the person in front of you wasn’t still going at 20.*
18 The even more common South African lane-hopper
You were behind me, now you’ve revved your GTi all the way to 7 000rpm and you’re in front of me, stuck behind the same car I was stuck behind, still in the same traffic you were in 30 seconds ago (and that you will be in 30 minutes from now). Congratulations dude. You win!
*I’m a Capetonian, I’m OCD and I’m big on planning ahead, so I’m often guilty of lane-hogging – outside of peak-hour traffic. If I know my right turn is coming up in 5km, I see no reason not to drive at speed limit in the right lane, and ‘keep left/pass right’ be damned. Also, see point 8.
Which traffic asshole is your absolute worst? Let us know!