Fun fact: Nearly all your lovers will end up as exes. And no one is at their best as an ex. Srsly, NO ONE. Not even you. Think about that when you’re deciding whether to swipe left or right, mmkay!! Anyway, astrology can help you prepare for the worst. Check that first date’s zodiac sign and decide now what you could, and couldn’t, live with if/when they become an ex. Maybe you’ll save some yourself heartache (or, LOL, revenge) down the line.
Being dumped by an Aries comes out of nowhere. They’ll break your heart with brutal truths about why this just isn’t working for them. Then while you’re still lying on the floor, trying to catch your breath, they’re back for a coffee and a chit-chat as though NOTHING EVER HAPPENED. There are no affectionate, gentle letdowns here. But should you be open to a quickie before they’re out the door—cool. Sex with an ex is Aries territory all day long. Brutal.
Taureans are naturally possessive but in a very low-key way. If you break things off, you may not hear from them, but you will feel their presence. This is because they will be keeping tabs on you. They’re social media FBI agents and surreptitious spymasters. Taureans don’t like letting go, so you may need to disentangle yourself.
You may not notice that much difference between dating a Gemini and being dumped by one, given their preference for distance and space. Not to mention their habit of going from hot to cold twice a day at least. You might actually get on better with your Gemmy as an ex, because now you’re ~forbidden fruit~, which is so much more tantalising to this commitment-phobic sign.
Warning: Cancerian exes are scary. They have an entire closet, no, house, full of exes they never really truly let go of. They like to maintain a fully stocked and accessible stash of exes where they can, um, go feed on like a lil crab. Be afraid: It will NEVER be safe to go back into the water when your Cancer ex is swimming nearby.
Leos love dramz. Expect a level of extra that could get them their own reality show. If they’re lovelorn over you, they’ll pine and whine and make a scene with their tear-jerking content. If they did the dumping themselves, they might enjoy teasing you with impromptu messages and ‘coincidental’ meetings. Don’t fall for it. Ignore them: This is just a show, and like your fave Netflix series, it will eventually end.
Secretly, Virgos will never believe that you will find anyone who loves you more or is better for you than them. But at the same time, they never believed they were good enough for you. It’s quite a mindfuck, which you probably never expected because they’re so poised and buttoned up. Trust me: Your Virgo ex is obsessing. And they can’t wait to gloat when your next relationship goes awry. Hallmark should make ‘I told you so’ cards just for them.
No time to pine here. After a breakup, Libras are onto the next, pronto. Being ruled by Venus is hard work: You’ve got to keep up with your fan club, and Libra takes this role seriously. What’s weird is how into you that Libra ex seemed to be and how fast that changed when it’s all over. They’re shape-shifters and charmers, but not all of it is real.
If you got out of your breakup with a Scorpio alive and in one piece, then more power to you. You’ve done well, my friend. Now, don’t look back. Change your number and possibly your name and address too. It’s time to join the Scorpio Protection Program.
TBH, you’ll probably stay pals. Sagittarius is simply too much fun to stay mad at for long. That is, until you discover (or, more likely, they accidentally let slip) how many other strings they were fiddling with their bow when they were with you. ‘Oh, I TOLD you about HER,’ they’ll say, rolling their eyes. No. No, they did not. Hate the game, not the player.
Caps will see your breakup as a contest, one they want to win. This is very important to the (deeply sensitive, actually) Capricorn psyche. ‘Winning’ a breakup includes: looking hotter immediately, flaunting some outrageous rebound action, becoming famous/filthy rich/successful, and rubbing your nose in it all. We’ve got a theory: The more exes a Cap accumulates, the more prosperous they become. You’re actually doing them a favour.
Aquarians will ask, ‘Exes? Were they people I once liked?’ While you’re still drying your tears, they’re already busy building a spaceship/creating a supercity out of recycled plastic/swimming with sharks because they think they’re super cuddly. Aquarians DO have hearts, but they don’t work the same as everyone else’s. Don’t expect to ever hear from them again.
Ugly-crying is what you’ll get. Oh, yes. There’ll be tears, and what’s more, they’ll beg and plead to meet and just TALK about stuff. Don’t fall for it. You’ve gotta be cruel to be kind, and that means firmly removing yourself from the self-pity parade. DW, Pisces will get over it, and they will go on to have more amazing romances (they love being in love). There’s just this icky phase to get through first. Pisces simply feel too much.
This post originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com
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