I’m going to level with you, I am so grateful I am in lockdown with my boyfriend. Sure, he’s really nice to look at and he makes the best scrambled eggs, but these aren’t the only reasons. I’m glad in a big way because were we trying to keep our sex spark, well, sparky, with a couple of neighbourhoods between us, I have no doubt I’d be falling helplessly short. The thing is, I’ve never been very good at sexting. I’ve got the ‘foreplay’ part down. The ‘I can’t stop thinking about what I’d do to you if you were here’. But that’s as far as my digital seduction tends to go. So I reached out to some friends who are fluent in far-away-fuck for some super simple sexting tips.
Here are five sexting tips that even the rookiest of rookies can get behind
1 Set the scene
We’re a generation of multi-taskers. I myself have been known to perch my phone, Netflix blaring, on the kitchen windowsill while doing the dishes. And sure, this makes doing the dishes a whole lot more fun, but sexting is not watching Netflix. Sexting is supposed to be the fun thing. So it shouldn’t be done while doing the dishes, or stirring your pasta sauce, or sweeping the floor (can you tell lockdown has made me an absolute domestic goddess?). If you’re in genuine pursuit of an erotic or orgasmic experience, try focus on bringing the words you’re reading to life with your imagination, says Melo, a genius friend of mine. Also, you can’t hold a vibrator and a phone and a dishcloth. So, you know. Pick a choice.
2 Remember they’re just words
Sure, they’re not words you’d say to your mother, but they’re just words. So don’t overthink anything too much, or you’ll freak yourself out before you’ve even started. This pearl comes from my friend Kim, self-proclaimed ‘World Champs Sexter 2019’, so you know. It’s a goodie.
3 Read erotica
Kim also swears by reading erotica as inspiration, which makes all the sense in the world. The internet is an endless treasure trove of sexy – steal some gold and take the credit. We won’t tell.
4 Don’t forget you’re still you
While sexting is all about fantasy, if you find yourself bordering territory that makes you uncomfy, just rein in it a little. You are still you. If bending over and getting your bottom spanked until it’s a lovely shade of pink is not something you’re into IRL, there’s no reason virtual you have to be. As my friend Duncan put it, ‘If you are going to hook up, you don’t want to be in a position where you’re uncomfortable. So don’t say you’re into things if you don’t want to do it in real life.’
5 Safety first
Like condoms, but for revenge porn. Whether it’s a long term partner or someone you e-met over Tinder or Grindr, put some thought into the videos, voice notes or photos you send during a sexting session. Even something as simple as keeping any identifying marks (think beauty spots, tattoos, or you know, your face) out of frame will give you peace of mind that your sexting expedition won’t come back to haunt you later.
To be very fuckin’ frank, the lucky human who’s sexting you should know better than to save or share anything you send them (in fact they should delete it right after). But we don’t live in a perfect world. So for an extensive guide on how to safeguard your online sexcapades in the time of Covid-19, read this.
Keep safe, stay home, and have fun.
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