My life used to be simple. Turn-ons included breasts, bums, nudity and general sexiness; turn-offs included… everything else. And then I had a conversation with a friend of mine who mentioned that she gets hairs on her nipples and needs to pluck them occasionally – and suddenly breasts were on shaky ground. The following things make us run straight home to start planning a life of celibacy where we’d never see a woman again.
1. THAT’S QUITE A WEAVE…
Here’s the deal: pubic hair anywhere outside of your panty line is scary as hell from up close. It’s scary as hell from the other side of the room. It’s so scary that we may have to leave, even though you’re naked and we’re normally okay with that. I understand that waxing is painful and shaving sucks, ¬but this is not the ’70s anymore. Would you be dating us if we had a thick, lush moustache above our lips? Didn’t think so.
2. IS THAT CLINT EASTWOOD IN YOUR ARMPIT?
When we see a woman with underarm stubble we think only one thing: if that’s what her underarms look like, her pubic hair must be taking over everything from her bellybutton to her kneecaps. That’s all I have to say about that.
3. WHEN GOOD BREASTS GO BAD
Breast implants can sometimes look pretty good, as long as there was at least an attempt to make them look natural. But when you go from an A-cup to an E-cup, and now have stretch marks running perpendicular to your cleavage and nipples so squint we have no idea which one we’re supposed to make eye contact with when we’re talking to you, we get distracted. Instead of being turned on, we want to know whether your skin hurts when it’s pulled that tight. We try to remember the name of that Dolly Parton song – you know, the famous one? And we wonder whether Hugh Hefner has problems such as this. See, now you’ve got us thinking about 80-year-old men.
4. ULTRA-ABSORBENT HARBINGERS OF DEATH (POSSIBLY)
Menstruation isn’t nearly as scary as it used to be. In ancient times, people thought it was a curse, and menstruating women were shut in a small room for a week each month with little more than a crust of bread and some sour milk for company. These days it’s not menstruation that scares us. It’s tampons. I can still clearly remember sex education in Grade 7. We were warned never to go through a girl’s bag uninvited, in case there were… Tampons In There. Suddenly, one cupboard in our bathroom at home was off limits, because my sister had… Tampons In It. When I stray down the wrong isle at the supermarket and see the range marked ‘heavy flow’, I still get the shivers. Now that I think about it, I’m not sure I’ve ever actually touched one. So you can understand that when we’re all at the beach and a tampon string is sticking out the side of your bikini bottom, we’re not thinking ‘little white cotton thingy’. We’re seeing a big flashing sign that reads, ‘Warning, nuclear fallout from exploding crotch. Keep clear!’ Or something similar.
5. BUT THEY’RE REALLY COMFY!
And the ultimate turn off? The faded threadbare granny panties you insist on wearing to bed now that we’ve been around for a while. Yes, it’s sweet that you’re comfortable enough around us to wear them. And yes, we say that they make you look really sexy – but we’re lying. We know that it’s a small step from granny jocks to putting your Wonderbras into storage and ‘forgetting’ to shave your legs for six months at a time. It’s quite simple, really: you didn’t pull them out on our first three dates, so why do it to us now?