The Young And The Restless

Young guys might be cute but if you’re over 25 they’re just too much hard work…

It took me 10 years of splitting the dinner bill, being driven around in cars so rusty I could see the tar of the N2 through holes in the floor and carrying passed-out boyfriends to bed to discover a fundamental truth: young guys are overrated. While they might look pretty with their pink cheeks (want some too, click here) and concave stomachs, this is where their appeal ends. Yet, for some reason, I made a beeline for these types – the guys who wait tables, share digs with nine other people and never have any airtime – until finally I decided all of this was for the birds, and I was going to find me a Man.

At first, being with someone nearly a decade older than me felt weird – the suits, the five o’clock shadow, and the fact that he owned a house. But soon I began to realise how lovely older men are to date; how calm, how sorted, how cosy they are compared with their restless young cousins who, for all their loveliness, are nothing less than exhausting. Unlike young guys who party hard and drink things that can be set alight, older men have done the body shots, danced with the floozies and fought with the bouncers, and discovered there is more to life. Young men are constantly on the prowl. They can’t help it: it’s in their genes, and you can’t fight nature.

Young guys can’t sit still because they have all this testosterone they need to work off, whereas older men are tired – and in this case, tired is good. They’ve figured out what they’re after and they don’t want to waste anymore time. Young men know their parts will be fine for the next 20 years, at least. Why should they limit themselves to you? They’re not in any hurry.

Boys will be boys
The thing is, from the word go, girls are more mature than boys. In preschool, the girls wear matching clothing, speak in complete sentences and coordinate complicated social arrangements. The boys, on the other hand, show up in their pyjamas, knock each other over and babble incoherently. And they never really catch up from there; this is why dating someone who is roughly the same age as you simply doesn’t work.

By the time women are 27, we’re using eye cream, have provident funds and appreciate a nice Pinot Noir. A man of the same age has yet to figure out how to replace a toilet roll, has never washed his own underpants and will need another five years of projectile vomiting to learn when he’s had enough beer. An older man has probably lived with another woman before, which means you don’t have to teach him everything – somebody else has done the job for you. He gets the thing with the toilet seat, knows how to pack and unpack the dishwasher, and can rustle up a nice curry on a rainy Sunday. He knows the art of the foot massage and takes PMS in his stride, and it doesn’t scare him in the least when you get promoted at work. He can listen to you rattle off baby names and wedding venues without retching and/or hyperventilating, and while his emotional intelligence may never quite match yours, he’s at least heard of the term and will probably be willing to compromise.

So take it from someone who’s been there – leave the boys to their toys and their jägerbombs, and find yourself a guy who doesn’t own a PlayStation and can remember the ‘80s. Unless you have endless patience, give the young guys a skip. One day they’ll grow up to be lovely men… but why waste all that time?

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