Why Your High School Boyfriend is Still on Your Mind

We’ve all been in this dark, glowing place. It’s late at night, and your high school boyfriend popped up on your news feed. Or, more likely, he popped into your head, and you couldn’t help but wonder what he’s up to. Maybe you went through all his photo albums. Maybe you even Googled him, when that wasn’t enough. Why is it that, even with all the serious relationships you’ve had since (and the serious relationship you’re currently in) there’s something about your first high school romance that has you reminiscing occasionally? Was it young love, or something deeper?

There are a few reasons your high school boyfriend sticks out compared to say, Chad, your serious college boyfriend or Jason, your on-off boyfriend of the past five years. Obviously, your first real boyfriend is a First. It might not seem like your high school romance was that exciting in retrospect, but when it’s the first time you’re sorting through feelings this intense, it’s a huge deal. “There’s a lot at stake and a lot to lose and a lot to remember,” says Dr. Carl Pickhardt, private counseling psychologist and author. “You’re never going to have first love again, and that in itself makes it a precious experience.” So what if you were just hanging around on your parents’ couch or going to Wendy’s all the time? It was a big deal because it was all so new (and, arguably, Wendy’s is still a big deal). It wasn’t as visceral as skydiving for the first time, but any first-time experience is more likely to leave a lasting memory.

But it wasn’t just a landmark moment for you; it was a landmark moment you went through alone. Remember when Betsy hooked up with Jake and then she spent AP history passing love notes to him and ignoring you? “[Dating] takes kids out of social action,” says Dr. Pickhardt. “They carve out a solitary social path.” It makes your high school relationship seem more special, in context, but it also fosters dependency. Those five months you were with Ben are ALL BEN in your memory.

The real reason you find yourself mindlessly Googling though: No one you date later in life can ever really share the “common history” you and your first boyfriend share, says Dr. Nancy Kalish, who runs the site Lost and Found Lovers. You’re not going to get that with Chad who grew up on the opposite side of the country before you two finally met at 20. You and your high school boyfriend have more shared friends (or at least acquaintances) and similar experiences growing up in the same kind of small, Midwest town or big East Coast city.

On top of that, you probably weren’t mature enough to really contextualize just why you broke up and, more specifically, what each of you did wrong. “Teens don’t take the time to debrief without really taking a look on what was going on and what was their part in it,” says Dr. Pickhardt. It can leave you wondering just what happened, even if it’s a failed relationship that would be painfully and immediately obvious to present-day you.

The number-one reason teens actually break up is because their parents disapprove, according to Dr. Kalish, and if that’s why you broke up, your passive Googling might actually turn into something real. “A lot of these couples wind up meeting again later and getting back together, in some cases even divorcing partners they had married,” says Dr. Kalish.

So just because your old high school romance stands out in your mind, it doesn’t mean the person whose Facebook you’re perusing with a twinge of sadness is The One, that you peaked, or that it’s all downhill after sophomore year. It’s just that you only get one first love. But what you two had was real, and maybe, just maybe, if you two gave it another shot, you’d be able to work past all those old, immature problems. Still, it’s probably not a good idea to send him a friend request at 2 a.m.

This post originally appeared on cosmopolitan.com.

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