1 Sleeping until 2pm so you have to crawl over him to get out of the bed and start your day. By the time he wakes up, you already did some work, went to spinning class, worked out your tax return and solved the world hunger crisis.
2 Not knowing how to do even the simplest domestic tasks. His idea of ‘washing the dishes’ is standing near-ish to water with the dirty dishes and wondering how come they’re not getting cleaner.
3 Talking about his ‘crazy ex-girlfriend’ and how refreshingly ‘normal’ you are, without realising that (1) it’s condescending to call her that and (2) it implies that she was basically Angelina Jolie in Mr & Mrs Smith and you’re just a cauliflower with a wig on.
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4 Farting with zero shame and then continuing the conversation like it didn’t just happen. And not expecting you to be like, ‘…Baby.’
5 Burping. Same.
6 Ordering Siri around constantly. Seriously, it’s way easier to manually enter an address on Google Maps with those things on your hand. You know, your fingers and thumbs.
7 Pretending he’s listening to you when he’s just blatantly not. Can you take the garbage out? Can you take the garbage out? Baby, I’m pregnant. Okay, great, now that I have your attention, CAN YOU TAKE THE GARBAGE OUT PLEASE.
8 Using your laptop because he is too lazy to fetch or turn his own on.
9 Leaving beard stubble in the sink.
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10 Encouraging you to become best friends with his closest female BFFs even when you have nothing in common. Yes, Katrina is totally nice but she’s into, like, kayaking and chain-smoking clove cigarettes, and our friendship is so forced that we just end up having dumb, generic conversations about how we’ve been ‘so bad about working out lately’.
11 Only going down on you as foreplay, and only sometimes, rather than giving a la carte oral. How come it’s not on the menu, dude?
12 Being way more into talking on the phone or FaceTiming than texting. First of all, texts are the modern love letter. Secondly, I can’t talk to you in that horribly irritating private voice we use when talking to each other while I am at my desk at work.
13 Leaving dirty socks on the floor and not picking them up the next morning.
14 Leaving the drawer open after getting something out.
15 Ruffling your hair. Especially when you just finished doing it.
16 Having the amazing ability to fall asleep literally anywhere at any time while on any form of transportation so you have to fend for both yourself and an oversized dozing child while travelling. So you’re basically Renée Zellweger in Jerry Maguire all of a sudden.
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17 Leaving a ton of boxer shorts at your place for you to include with your laundry and then getting annoyed when you wear some.
18 Sometimes caring so much about how he looks and other times not caring at all. It’s impossible to predict.
19 Getting annoyed when you buy him nice clothes because it’s mom-ish of you. When really you’re just trying to make him dress a little less like he’s the acoustic guitar-playing jock in a later season of The Real World.
20 When you ask him to pick you up something on the way home, he never gets the right thing. It’s always scented when you asked for unscented. Or regular when you asked for jumbo. Or two AA batteries and a Snickers bar instead of tampons.
21 The avocados he picks up are not ever perfectly ripe. Does he not feel them up the way we ladies do??
22 Standing behind you and sulking while you’re with your friends, and mumbling, ‘Babe, can we go home? Baby? Can we go home?’ every five minutes or so. The worst.
23 An inappropriate PDA balance. Either he’s hanging off you like plankton on a sperm whale or clear across the room while some dude with a cheesy moustache asks you where your accent’s from.
24 Asking if you’re going to eat something and taking it off your plate before you have time to answer. YES, I WAS GOING TO EAT IT.
25 Being loveable enough for you to overlook numbers 1 to 25. Goddammit.
This article was originally published on Cosmopolitan.com
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