Look, we’ve all found ourselves in a never-ending Google spiral. For me, they typically happen between the hours of 1 a.m. and 4 a.m. I type in one question, which then inspires another, then I click on a related link, and suddenly I’ve landed on a Web MD page that convinces me the weird bump on my wrist is cancer (it’s not—I checked!).
Since it’s so common to use Google as an accredited health source, home chef, and relationship therapist, I asked SEMRush, an SEO tool and browser extension, what are the most common questions people are searching Google for re: their love life.
And because so many of you asked for this (no one asked for this), I’ve taken it upon myself to answer these questions for you as a non-non-relationship expert who has been single for three-plus years. Clearly, I’m highly qualified.
How do I get a boyfriend?
First, go to a public place and immerse yourself within the male species. If you’re at the grocery store, I’d suggest lingering by the meat department. Then, once a dude rocking Tyler C. vibes walks by, bite your lip, look him up and down, look away, then turn back around and smile at him. Full disclosure: I have no idea if this works, that’s just what 14 year old’s suggest to do on TikTok. Apparently it ‘works every time.’
When will I get a boyfriend?
You’ve come to the right place. Google knows your exact age, the last time you cried, and what you ate for dinner last night. Soooo… next year. For sure.
What to do with your boyfriend?
Well, you can go to the movies, get a bite to eat, hit your local bar, film YouTube makeup tutorials on each other, start a family, ask why his wife keeps calling… The list is endless!
Why does my boyfriend hate me?
Personally, I see no issues housing peanut butter despite your S.O.’s nut allergy either. He’s probably not, like, going to die die, so what’s the big deal, right? Glad we’re on the same page.
What is a boyfriend?
A boyfriend is someone who eats the last slice of pizza without consulting you first, rolls over after he orgasms, but then gets offended when he finds your stash of vibrators underneath the bed.
How do you know when your relationship is over?
When your texts are no longer ‘delivered,’ their mother no longer follows you on Instagram, and when you can no longer see their Venmo transactions. See also: No longer talking to said person you’ve been dating.
How to start a conversation with your boyfriend?
Ah, speaking of… Personally, I enjoy a ‘Hi babe, good morning’ text, but this depends heavily on how they treated you the night before. Did they buy you spicy chicken nugs with extra ranch and honey mustard? If not, ‘Hi’ will do.
Why is my girlfriend so cute?
So. Many. Different. Reasons. If I had to guess, it’s probably because she pops your hard-to-reach back pimples and that weirdly, kind of turns you on in a gross, love-y dove-y way.
Is he my boyfriend?
Unfortunately not. The dude who you have undeniable chemistry with, who’s taller than 6′, always looks you in the eye when you’re talking, and also comes with a big package? Yeah, he’s not your boyfriend. He’s your mailman.
How to hug your boyfriend?
Just as you would anyone else, but with a cute little butt pinch—or, maybe slightly lean back when he has his arms around you so that you can make him literally fall for you (if he’s not going to emotionally, might as well make him do it physically).
There. All of your burning 3 a.m. questions have been answered!!
This post originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com
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