Thanks to Fifty Shades, those who have not yet engaged in a BDSM (bondage and discipline, sadism and masochism) relationship often have a very distorted idea of what the lifestyle entails. I am often met with looks of horror when I openly try to discuss what it is really about, and that it is not a label ‘freaky’ people can put on themselves to mask a reality of abuse. It is in reality, a consensual and exciting way for people who are so inclined to explore their sexuality and engage with one another in- I’m going to be completely honest here- a relationship packed with more healthy communication than most.
Recently, I was fortunate enough to chat to a South African couple who go by the names of Mistress Tiffany and Richard. They choose to incorporate BDSM and Femdom (female domination) in their exclusive relationship. Richard now lives his sexually submissive life in chastity at the request of his Dom, Mistress Tiffany.
Living in chastity, Richard has been wearing this device for almost the last year of his life:
How you would describe your relationship to the outside world? Is it exclusive?
Mistress Tiffany: We have a very normal relationship, exciting, but normal. We are exclusive yes, a boyfriend girlfriend relationship, and then we have Tiffany and Richard… who come out when we are alone and in the mood for our games.
Richard: Yes we are exclusive and in a romantic relationship. To the outside world, we are a normal couple and live normal lives.
How old are you both and do you each do for a living?
Mistress Tiffany: I am in the fashion industry.
Richard: We are both 25 years old. I am an entrepreneur.
How did you meet?
Richard: We met when we were 19 years old. We studied together, and lived close to each other, so we saw each other a lot. One night we bumped into each other at a club after about three years of not seeing or having contact with each other, from there we started to hang out a lot. We were friends for a while, without the intention of a relationship and even anything sexual, then we fell for each other.
At what age did you start participating in this lifestyle? Did it progressively build up to the point it is at now or did it happen gradually over time?
Mistress Tiffany: I only started getting into BDSM and Femdom when I got together with Richard, before that I never thought I would love role playing so much. Over time we got more comfortable and open with each other, in the beginning it was only blindfolds, and look where we are now.
Richard: We are now doing the chastity part for the last year or so, so we started at around 24. It built up to this point. Before we decided to live in a Female Led Relationship we switched roles a lot, I would be the dominant one time, and Mistress Tiffany the next time, until we decided to give the chastity a try. Before Mistress Tiffany and I got together, I have never experimented with BDSM or anything of the sort, and I never thought I would end up here.
Do your families/friends know about your arrangement? How do they feel about it?
Mistress Tiffany: Gosh no, I think both our families would have heart attacks, we prefer to keep our ‘other’ life private. Some people would not agree with what we are doing and maybe even interfere, so we keep to ourselves. And when it’s a secret I think it’s more fun anyway.
Richard: No, none of our families or friends know about our lifestyle, both of us would like to keep it from them and private, we don’t think that they would understand.
What do you think it is about this lifestyle that you find so fulfilling?
Mistress Tiffany: It’s something different, something that we both enjoy, I can be as demanding as I want, have as many orgasms as I want and I can shape him into the slave/submissive that I want. And I think it’s safe to say that any man loves to be teased and pushed to his limits, knowing or hoping that you would be teased daily is an obvious bonus for them.
Richard: The thought of never being able to have another orgasm without Mistress Tiffany’s consent really turns me on. Also, I feel completely unselfish because I know that all my attention goes towards pleasing Mistress Tiffany. Honestly, I also think we don’t fight as much, I would really think before picking a fight, not because I will get punished, but because I know Mistress Tiffany will not be in the mood then, which is bad for me.
Do you think you could ever be involved in a ‘vanilla’ sexual partnership with someone?
Mistress Tiffany: I doubt it, even if we do have our ups and downs with this lifestyle, I wouldn’t want it any other way, it’s exciting, pleasing and something different. We can have our ‘vanilla’ moments and enjoy it but then we can also have our very sexual moments.
Richard: No I honestly don’t think so. I think it will be very dull and boring, I love our relationship and how we have fun together. We do have our normal relationship still, we go to the movies and just chill sometimes, but knowing that I can’t have an orgasm when I want still constantly lingers in my mind.
Richard, what are some of your hard limits?
I really don’t have many and I’m pretty much open to anything. But one would definitely be telling my friends that I am locked in a chastity device. The only other one I can think of is bringing another guy into the relationship, Mistress Tiffany and I both wouldn’t like a third party in the relationship. Apart from our sexual lives we are very much a normal couple.
Mistress Tiffany, what enjoyment does your lifestyle bring to your life? Are you quite a dominant person in all aspects of your life? Work, friendship etc…
In some ways I am demanding, but knowing I can shape him into the person I want, that’s the fun part. Seeing him wait on me, craving my touch or attention, giving me an endless amount of orgasms whenever I feel like it, what more does a girl want?!
Richard, are you quite submissive in your everyday life?
No, not at all. I am outspoken and not afraid to say what I think. If I don’t like something I will say that I don’t. I think that is also why I enjoy being in a Female Led Relationship so much, giving over all my control, where I normally would have almost all the control. I think it would have been a lot less fun if I was submissive by nature, the best part for me is seeing Mistress Tiffany take control over me, forcing me to give in to her desires. I am a lot stronger and bigger than Mistress Tiffany, and knowing that and still seeing her force me to my knees and submit to her is part of the fun.
Are your lines of communication always open? It seems as though many people often believe a sub is voiceless, but it appears to me that the sub, in their own way, is in control too and it is not unsafe as long as it is consensual and the people involved are always honest with one another. What are the biggest misconceptions about your type of relationship?
Mistress Tiffany: We have had our fair amount of differences, but we have worked though it. He matters and he has his needs and wants as well. And as much as I love our games, he should enjoy it as well, so that means he is allowed to voice his opinion. When we think about a slave/master relationship we think about Fifty Shades of Grey, the way it was in the beginning, she had rules and had to follow them no matter what, not being able to express any feelings or opinions, it is not always like that, you’re not always your ‘character’, some days not doing anything is also okay, having a normal conversation, dinner, etc. And then taking that opportunity to tell your partner (whatever the relationship) how you feel about certain situations without getting punished.
Richard: I think one of the most important tools in any relationship, especially one like ours is communication. It is something I had to work on, how to tell Mistress Tiffany what and when I don’t like something or if I would like something to happen. That is the main reason for the blog, so that Mistress Tiffany can know what I am thinking and what I want without me telling her what to do.
Describe an average day in your life from waking until bedtime.
Richard: I own more than one business, so my day varies a lot. I would wake up in the morning, before Mistress Tiffany so that I can wake her up with coffee. I then lie in bed until Mistress Tiffany leaves for work, she always leaves before me. I then get ready and do what the day requires of me, sometimes staying home and working, sometimes travelling. Somewhere before 12:00 I write my blog entry. When Mistress Tiffany arrives home, I greet her at the door on my knees, wearing nothing but my chastity device and collar, until she instructs me to get up. From there it’s completely up to Mistress Tiffany, sometimes we would go straight to the bedroom and play, other times we would eat first and watch TV and then go to the bedroom. I don’t have any say in what happens sexually, I just have my rules I have to follow. Some of rules are these:
Greet Mistress Tiffany at the door, on my knees.
I have to ask permission before entering any room.
When she eats, I have to stand on all fours so that she can rest her feet on me.
If Mistress Tiffany wants to take a bath, I have to draw the bath for her.
Before bed I have to put her phone on charge and make sure she has water next to her.
To read more about Mistress Tiffany and Richard, head to Locked Up in Lust.