Before rolling out this horrifying list of attempted DIY condoms, allow me to clarify that there is no such thing as a DIY condom, because if it’s DIY, it’s NOT A CONDOM.
Seriously, if you use a thing that is not a condom as a condom, you may get pregnant and if not die, hurt yourself. Not to mention the poor penis that has been outfitted in something that was never meant to make contact with genitals.
Your vagina is not a rubbish bin. Do not put rubbish in it, and definitely do not insert any the following. Consider each item another argument for comprehensive sex ed and access to contraception.
1. A plastic bag
This one is more than an old wives’ tale. Just last month, a pair of students from Vietnam used a plastic bag as a barrier method because they were too embarrassed to go out and buy condoms; the bag created so much friction that their genitals bled and they both landed in the hospital. Yikes. Plastic bags are abundant and thin, but they do not an evening of safe or pleasurable lovemaking make.
2. An ice lolly wrapper
Ana Santos, a sex writer and educator from the Philippines, once told me that when young people in her country can’t get their hands on condoms, they sometimes repurpose the wrappers of Calypso. Calypso is a kind of ice lolly. An ice lolly is not a penis. As Santos so succinctly put it, ‘Ouchie.’
3. A disposable glove
Attempts of literal gloves taking the place of metaphorical ‘gloves’ run rampant. A depressing 2014 UK survey of 1,500 women found that a quarter of them had heard of ‘alternative’ barrier methods being used during sex, including plastic bags and, yes, latex gloves.
As in, these women knew couples who’ve done this. As an inquiring mind on Reddit once asked, ‘Would a latex glove and a rubber band be a good substitute for a condom?’ ‘Just curious,’ the user added.
As the top comment answered, ‘Would a baby be a good substitute for all the quiet time you used to have?’ To this, the correct answer is ‘hell no’.
4. Plastic wrap
Another thin, synthetic material, another story of it being appropriated as a condom, this one from a writer at Total Sorority Move who last year brought us the saga of ‘That Time I Used Saran Wrap As A Condom.’ ‘Considering that his dick looked like a left over sausage wrapped up for storage, I wasn’t sure how to proceed,’ the author observes of her mental state the moment before penetration. The answer was ‘don’t’, but she did. For the love of all that is good, holy, and baby-free, let her be the last who does. You can, however, use plastic wrap as a dental dam, so there is that.
5. A sandwich bag
An alarming number of people on forums across the World Wide Web want to know one thing: what happens if I use a sandwich bag as a condom? Some have already done the deed: ‘My boyfriend and I the other night were out of condoms and it was too late to go to a store and instead of nothing we used a sandwich bag,’ one such improviser confesses — yikes. Those sharp plastic edges? No thank you.
Sandwich bags are for sandwiches and, if you’re feeling really ambitious, vodka gummy bears. Leave the dicks out of it.
6. A plastic shower cap
‘My boyfriend and I are going to have sex but we are embarrassed to buy them so we are going to find something else,’ an intrepid but horrifically misinformed Yahoo! Answers user once stated. ‘All I could find was my mum’s shower cap. Will that work?
You know what’s more embarrassing then zipping out to the corner store and picking up a pack of rubbers? Using a shower cap as a condom. You know what’s more embarrassing than that? Using a shower cap as a condom and then getting an STI or pregnant. Now that would be really embarrassing, wouldn’t it?
7. A balloon
Yes, the internet is also home to reports of people using water balloons as condoms. But the results aren’t pretty. ‘I have never never seen a [penis] turn that colour before,’ one writes. Hard pass on that visual. Here are some things you can do with balloons:
- Make balloon animals.
- Stretch them over cans to create a very quiet miniature drum set.
- Rub them over your hair to add volume.
This article originally appeared on Cosmopolitan.com.
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