Our mind-health Q&A columnist Athena Lazarides is a qualified psychologist and the author of You’ve Got This. She’s on a mission to help you clarify your blocks so you can move onwards and upwards in life. You can see her work here.
I’m a bit embarrassed about my problem but I imagine I’m not alone in this. I’m in an incredibly loving relationship with a wonderful man – but the sex is really bad! He always orgasms first, and then we just stop playing (so to speak), which leaves me incredibly frustrated and underwhelmed. I don’t want to leave this relationship … but I also want to have orgasms. How can I approach this subject with him without offending him?
You’re certainly not alone in this. The ‘orgasm gap’ has been widely posited and debated, with many women arguing that the gap between men and women’s frequency of orgasm is predominantly influenced by social forces that mainly privilege male pleasure. As feminists work to diminish the gap in society, it is helpful for you to do the same in the bedroom. This can be done by communicating your sexual wants and needs to your partner in an empathic and responsive manner.
Here are five steps to communicating your sexual wants and needs:
- Begin with knowing what your sexual wants and needs are. If you need help figuring that out, I suggest the Boudoir Bible by Betony Vernon. Once you have a clear idea of what actually turns you on and how you like to be touched, you will be able to communicate this to your partner.
- Start the conversation with your partner by acknowledging all the things you love and enjoy about your sexual partnership.
- Use ‘I’ statements instead of ‘you’ statements. For example: ‘I feel X, Y, Z’ instead of ‘You make feel frustrated by always orgasming first.’ Try to avoid blaming as this usually ends in conflict.
- Suggest what you would like to try – this in itself can be a highly erotic endeavour that may lead to a more fulfilling sexual experience for you both.
- I recommend you both read The Lesbian Guide For Straight Men: On How To Make Love To A Woman by the sassy Clit E Taurus. You won’t be disappointed!
It may also be helpful to speak to a trained therapist (avoid sex coaches) who can assist you with this – either individually or as a couple. I hope your sex life improves and that you relationship moves from strength to strength.
If you have a question for Athena, e-mail or tweet her. You can follow Athena here and see more of her work at Athenalaz.com. You can also receive her free audio course, designed to help you move from stuck to success in five simple steps.
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