1 He never cries. If you’re balling your goddam eyes out at a YouTube video of an elderly couple explaining how they’ve kept their love alive for 70 years, and he doesn’t so much as bat an eyelid, he’s either a sociopath or an android. Both are dumpable offences.
2 He never gives you compliments. Just because you dress for yourself, and feel empowered to make your own choices about what you wear, that doesn’t mean the odd, ‘you look stunning babe’ wouldn’t go amiss. Never rely on his compliments to feel good, but if he never EVER says anything nice then he can actually F off.
3 He refuses to go to your favourite restaurant because he doesn’t like it. I’m vegetarian and once had a boyfriend who wouldn’t take me to this meat-free place I was obsessed with because he ‘needed meat’. In retrospect I should have ended it then and there.
4 He makes you split every bill down to the penny. Is there anything that makes you lose your woman-boner quicker than an absolute stinge-ball? If every meal ends in him getting his pocket-sized abacus out and working out how much you owe considering you ate 65% of the dessert, he’s a prick. Get rid of him.
5 He doesn’t take an interest in your work. You literally spend your entire life there. If he can’t magic at least five work-related questions out of his stupid arse every time you see each other then he’s gotta go.
6 He won’t talk about sex. What weird sex stuff does he want to try? How does he like his balls to be touched? Does he want to tie you up like a suckling pig at a medieval feast? If you don’t know, because he gets all freaked out when you ask, don’t waste your vagina’s valuable time.
7 He doesn’t crack you up. It should be physically impossible to have sex with someone you don’t find hilarious. All the best relationships are built on having one giant laugh, so if you just sat there in stony silence all date-long, what is even the point?
8 He doesn’t ask questions. Honestly, the amount of dudes I’ve dated who think it’s totally acceptable not to bother to get to know me/bang on about themselves 24/7 is ludicrous. Isn’t this, like, the first rule of dating?
9 He treats you like an afterthought. He ‘meant’ to text you to invite you to his house party but ‘totally forgot’. Truth probably is he doesn’t want you there because he wants to crack on with other women. If he really respected you, you’d be the first person he invited.
10 He’s always either hanging or tired when he meets you. Like, if he knew he was seeing you then why didn’t he apply a face mask, shave his three-month leg hair growth off and go to bed at 8pm? If he CBA to make all the effort then he isn’t worth your effort.
11 He won’t compromise because you ‘shouldn’t want to change’ him. If he doesn’t realise all healthy relationships require a teeny bit of compromise on both parts, then he is essentially an adult baby you will have to guide through even the most basic facets of human life so it’s easier just to abort the mission now.
12 Sometimes it feels like he’s talking just to hear his own voice. Weirdly enough, you’re not that interested in his bullshit monologue about the new series of Family Guy. You’ve told him countless times you think it’s utter crap, so why is he still doing that annoying Peter Griffin impression?
13 He never treats you. No, of course you don’t want a bloody bunch of flowers, or snazzy piece of jewellery every time you hang – you’re not that basic. But if he never shows up to the cinema with your favourite sweets, or offers to pay for a round of drinks because you had a tough week, or writes you a cute little card just to say how great your butt is, dump him ASAP.
This post was originally published on Cosmopolitan.com/uk.
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