1 It starts from the second we wake up
If you start the day grumpy, complaining that your coffee has been made incorrectly, trust that I will not spend the day fantasising about you. And – bam! – just like that sex tonight is likely off the cards.
2 My nipple is not an ‘on’ switch
Simply leaning over and tweaking my nipple a little bit while we’re watching TV is not foreplay. No matter how much I like said nipple to be stimulated, it’s not a freakin’ light switch with which to get my loins burning.
3 Take your time, would ya?
Whether you’re going down on me or letting your fingers do the work, I know when you’re doing it without any heart. Jabbing your tongue three times onto the spot where you think my clit is, before reemerging for penetrative sex, is not foreplay.
4 You are not a blow-up doll
While you’re down there, let me know you’re enjoying it. For many women, foreplay can be more intimate than the sex itself. If I’m lying there, legs spread, and you’re as quiet as a church mouse and as methodical as a scientist, I’m going to assume you’re not digging whatever it is we’re doing.
5 You’ve discovered what I love, thanks. Now switch it up
You know that nothing gets me off more than the magic your fingers can work. We could continue doing it while I’m lying flat on my back or, you could stand me up and let’s give it a bash with one of my legs raised onto the bed. You could flip me around and try it from behind. You get the picture.
6 Lube cannot always be your saviour
While I’m forever grateful for the wonder that is lubrication, it is not a replacement for the foreplay which gets me ready for sex. You’re impatient; I’m not. Get busy.
7 Kiss me … not only when we’re having sex
I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again – I’d rather have a teenager-inspired make-out session (dry-humping included) for 10 minutes, than have you go down on me for 20. I know all women are different, but there’s nothing like a proper f*cking smooch to get me in the mood.
8 On that note, DRY-HUMPING IS STILL A THING
I know we’re not 17 and new to our sexual exploration any more, but can we dry-hump for a little and try to pretend that we are? There’s nothing like the sense of urgency that comes from grinding through some fabric. I stand by dry-humping.
9 We know when you don’t know what you’re doing
And we’d love it if you asked for some input. Life is not what you see in the movies. You cannot seductively look at my vagina, lay your face between my legs and make me come. There’s a ton of work that goes into the elusive female orgasm. I’d prefer you ask me for my input rather than flail around aimlessly, feeling bad about yourself.
10 And even then, I may still not come
Every single woman gets off in different ways. There are those who need clitoral stimulation (most of us), some who get off just on penetration (must be nice) and some who need, like, 13 other factors to be in place to finish. Don’t rush me, and don’t take offence when I seductively suggest we move on to the next portion of our sweaty and glorious sex. If I know I’m not going to come from whatever it is you’re doing, I’d rather tell you than let you suffocate, ya know?
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