So, team, it’s been a few days since Cyril told us that we’re entering a lockdown and socially distancing/isolating. I don’t know how it’s going for you, but so far I have:
- Rearranged my entire kitchen
- Considered and reconsidered the positions of my toaster and kettle
- Spring cleaned the fuck out of my spare room
- Sorted my nail polish by colour
- Polished a bronze sign with lemon juice and baking soda (because obviously)
- Eaten 19 sandwiches
- Apologised to my boyfriend 29 times for being grumpy for no reason
- Had a lot of sex
The thing is, as much as I love my boyfriend (who is also my roommate), I know for sure that the day is coming where I’ll be too grumpy to apologise for being grumpy, and where quite frankly, I’ll need a break from looking at his beautiful face. But I’ll still want sex. Because I am human. And I love sex.
So here’s a list of five isolation sex positions for when you’re horny AF but don’t even want to look at your partner’s face
1 The ‘don’t look at me, don’t even look at me’
This one is nice because even if your partner’s mouth has said something to annoy you in the last 24 hours, their genitals probably haven’t. Pretend it’s 1969 and kick it old school with this classic.
2 The head over heels
Friends, as seen above, I myself have experimented with this position before, in a piece aptly titled ‘We tried some of the crazy sex positions we’ve recommended to you‘. So trust me on the following:
Is this position feasible for most? Absolutely not.
But do you need to so much as look at your partner’s face while you do it? Fuckin’ no, in fact, it’s impossible to so much as glance at them. There are only so many styles that doggy style comes in though, so shake it up and give it a bash.
3 The ‘I can’t throw a party but this is a vibe’
This position calls for yoga straps, but truthfully, there are plentiful ways to restrain someone. So whether you’re a yogi or an accidental hoarder of old, laddered tights, chances are you have something to restain you or your partner with at home. Again, think doggy but different.
This position is great if you want to tease your partner to the point of breaking them (in a nice way though?), and if you want to get your toys out. Also, you can just tie up their ankles too and then leave them bound on the bed until you’re ready to share the lounge with them again.
4 The two birds with one position
So you can’t go to gym – but you can have sex on one of those big bouncy exercise ball things (I’m basically Kalya Itsines, can you tell?). So bonus points for this one, cuties. No eye contact and a sense of accomplishment for getting out of missionary.
5 The ‘just sit on their face’
Quite simply, they can’t look at you if you just sit on their damn face. Take that pent up frustration and turn it into some dominant sex play.
There you have it. 5 delicious isolation sex positions. Stay home, stay safe, and happy humping!
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