Ever since The Goop Lab premiered on Netflix a couple of months ago, there has been a renewed interest in Gwyneth Paltrow’s wellness and lifestyle brand. It might have something to do with that one episode about orgasms (which, if you haven’t already, you should watch right TF now. You’ll thank me later), or it could be because of all the hype surrounding a certain naughty candle that Gwynnie launched a few weeks back, that we are sure sent people to her online store in their droves.
I’ll admit that I had never perused the categories of Goop before, despite knowing the treasure trove of weirdness that would await me. But since coronavirus has suddenly got me all health-conscious, I decided to do a bit of window shopping to see how the wealthy stay healthy (see what I did there?). And here are 10 of the most bizarre items that people can spend their money on:
1 Jade Egg, R1 175
Gwyneth Paltrow is big on ancient practices and is responsible for bringing some old-school goodies, like yoni eggs, into the mainstream. These stone eggs are inserted into your vagina to help you perform kegel exercises to tighten your pelvic floor (exercises which can be done just as effectively without popping anything inside your lady bits, BTW).
2 Megababe Bust Dust, R285
This beauty buy might be weird, but even I can admit that it is also pretty genius. This ‘clean’ dust contains natural sweat-absorbing ingredients and is apply under your boobs to keep them dry and comfortable even on a scorching summer day. But did you know that you could use just about any beauty powder or even antiperspirant to do exactly the same thing at a fraction of the price? Just a thought.
3 Fur Oil, R820
This product blew TF up a couple of years ago when Harry Potter star, Emma Watson, revealed that she uses this daily. But it’s not for your face. Or your body. It’s for your pubic hair. Yes, fam, not only do we know that innocent lil’ Hermione rocks a bush, but that she also takes very good care of said bush, because it has a whole beauty product all to itself.
4 Crave Vesper Vibrator Necklace, R2 650
Jewellery is great. So are vibrators. But Goop has gone one step further because they are legit selling a sex toy that doubles up as a necklace. Yes, really! The product bio says that ‘this pretty, bullet-shaped pendant is here for the transition from night out to night in’ and that it is made from 24-karat gold, is waterproof and has four different vibration settings. I’ll stick to regular bling, thanks!
5 Paper Crane Apothecary Psychic Vampire Repellent, R480
According to Wikipedia, a psychic vampire is a fictional character ‘that is said to feed off the “life force” of other living creatures’. While we can assume that this essential-oil mist is basically a way of ridding your space of bad vibes, the way that it’s marketed definitely makes it one of the ‘goop-ier’ products available on the site. And if you are surrounded by hyperactive rugrats that are making working from home a living nightmare…
6 Paper Crane Apothecary Chill Child Kid Calming Mist, R480
… then a few spritzes of this in their air (or maybe in their faces, IDK) is meant to help them calm the eff down. They claim that the blend of essential oils ‘smells so grounding that it just might bring your wild child back down to earth for a minute’. Moms out there – this one is for you. Or maybe not.
7 Spruce Paper Spray, R230
Our time spent on the toilet isn’t the most pleasant for our olfactory system. But this innovative product can change that. This spray can be used either as a room mist (cool) but can also be spritzed onto your toilet paper for a sweet-smelling wipe. But since we know that we shouldn’t be putting fragrances near our bits, I’m not sure that I would use it for its *ahem* intended purpose.
8 vFit Intimate Wellness Solution, R8 825
Don’t think that your vagina is working as hard as it should when it comes to giving you pleasure in the bedroom? Apparently this expensive device can change that by emitting red-light energy which is meant to improve the blood flow and sensation in your nether regions. While this might claim to be non-invasive, this type of vaginal treatment should probably still be done under the supervision of a trained medical professional. Just saying.
9 Kin Euphorics Kin Spritz, R480 for 4 cans
Looking for a bougie, canned drink that will set you back over R100 per serving? Of COURSE, you are, which is why one company created a line of drinks for non-drinkers that contain a blend of natural molecules that they claim can give you the pleasant side-effects of alcohol (plenty of buzz) without the negative (what even is a hangover?). They might just be on to something.
10 Heretic Smudge Eau de Parfum, R1 160
The art of smudging also has ancient roots, and one fragrance house wanted to harness the aroma of it and bottle it. Thus, this perfume, aptly called Smudge, was created. It has woody, smoky and earthy notes and, according to the description, is ‘stunning, subtle and totally original’. If smelling like burning wood is your vibe (it might be mine come winter, TBH) then this might just be your new signature scent. You’re welcome.