1 You realise immediately it doesn’t go with your outfit. ANY outfit. The blue band looked pretty in store; now the only thing it matches is your gym gear. Sort of. So if you want to know about your heart rate during a date or how many steps you raved at the club last night, you’ll have to suck up the style killer. Unless you have this one … in which case, will you be our friend?
2 You start making Fitbit-wearing ‘friends’ because your actual friends stop caring quite swiftly. Sure, they think it’s funny that you walk on the spot while queuing at the bar or telling them a story … for the first week or so. After that, ‘Fitbit’ becomes a swearword. They just don’t get it.
3 You become an acrobat in bed, which confuses your boyfriend a bit. Flailing arms, 10 different positions, horizontal gymnastics – anything for those extra ‘kilojoules out’.
4 Then you realise that a 30-minute sex session burns the equivalent of about 120kJ, no matter how active you think you’re getting. Lame. As you were.
5 Besides, sometimes you get a bigger buzz from your wrist vibrating when you reach your targets than you do from sexual acrobatics/other vibrating things that should be putting a smile on your dial. Not that you’ll admit this to anyone.
Related: 5 Exercise Lies You Tell Yourself
6 If you have an upstairs at your house, you start going to the upstairs toilet to pee despite having a guest loo downstairs. Extra storeys, dude.
7 You become a Stepford girlfriend. Yet your willingness to get your man a beer/make him coffee/take his plate to the kitchen fools precisely nobody as you take another peek at your wrist…
8 You get a special kind of annoyed if you don’t put your Fitbit on THE SECOND you step out of the shower. Because now you’ve got dressed, brushed your hair and gone downstairs and come back upstairs. Twice. FFS.
9 You start taking walks at lunch time because you know the 20 minutes on a treadmill that the gym Nazis allow you during peak times will not get you anywhere near the required 10 000 steps.
10 But you’re grateful the treadmill at least registers steps, otherwise you’d be properly screwed. You don’t know how this magic works, exactly, but you thank the Fitbit gods for making it so.
11 You start pushing yourself extra hard during your (extra-long) treadmill sessions. Weights don’t count for as many ‘steps’ as walking does, so your entire gym routine becomes very walk-centric.
12 You also start developing swimmers’ shoulders. Bicep curls = steps. Bench pressing = steps. Lats pulldowns = steps. In fact, all upper-body weights training that involves arm movement = steps. Working your quads? Not so much. You find this out on day two of wearing the Fitbit, and abandon the leg press for the much greener arm pastures.
13 Jogging – which you actually hate – becomes your outdoor activity of choice. Doesn’t matter that you’d rather be doing pretty much anything else, including washing your hair strand by strand on a Friday night while everyone you know parties without you. If it doesn’t involve stepping, it’s not real exercise. The Fitbit says so.
14 You promise yourself your next jog will make a more interesting shape on the street map. May as well do something fun while you’re FML-ing at 7m42s per kilometre.
15 On the plus side, parking anywhere becomes super-easy – you just look for the space furthest away from the mall/restaurant/Home Affairs/club entrance. Bonus points if you can work a steep hill into your walk to said entrance.
16 You think nothing of walking up and down the streets of the hilly neighbourhood of your favourite restaurant just so you can ‘make up’ enough kilojoules to have that pork belly you know is on special tonight.
17 Instagramming food takes a back seat to logging it. Must. Record. Every. Bite. Staying ‘under’ is your new religion!
18 It’s not at all weird that you’re running around the house/skipping in place/strapping the Fitbit to your ankle and air cycling during The Fixer. Anything to make up the 10 000kJ you set as your ‘out’ target.
19 You crave the approval of the green smiley faces. Life has little meaning without them.
20 You become your own biggest competition – although once you run a 12km on a Sunday morning, you’re bound to feel like a bit of a failure as it dawns on you that 22 000 steps is not a realistic daily target…
21 But the bottom line is, you’re always pushing yourself, watching what you put in your mouth and moving a hell of a lot more than you were before you became a Fit-colyte. And isn’t that the whole point? Kind of…?