When it came time for the COSMO team to dive into the deep end of their own lives for #COSMOTries, I knew it was finally my time to shine. Guys, I may not be the fittest or the strongest, but when it comes to sliding between beds and headboards and queefing on the way down, I’m ya girl. Because it’s easy to fall into a sex routine and somehow always end up in your fave of all the positions (doggy, duh), I decided to try out some of COSMO’s old sex positions to spice things up.
Okay, I’m going to level with you, most of these illustrated positions were ‘all the rage’ in, like, 2009 – hence the pixelated images and somewhat questionable position names (although … if the shoe fits).
I recruited some friends with the promise of fried gnocchi and lots of laughs. Laugh a ton and eat we did. Meet Duncan, the tall glass of water on the left. The smaller, smouldering bae on the right is Shaun.
If you’re thinking, ‘Christy, girl, why’d you need two boyfriends for the evening?’ It’s because some of the positions require different HEIGHTS, guys. I wanted to represent all measures of lanky men we’re having sex with. On to the positions!
We intended to start off with a simple one. I mean, this just looks like ambitious missionary, right? Wrong. Within four seconds, my legs were aching and I was begging Shaun to just ‘Get on top of me already’.
Pros: The Face-To-Face Fandango indeed offers up whimsical views of your boobs and they’re perked within an inch of their life.
Cons: I mean, does your boyfriend have a monster dick? Because this position causes your back to arch in a way which keeps penis at bay. This seems counterproductive to me, but anyway. Also, if you’re a yogi you’ll be like, “pfffft, how basic.” But for me, a mere mortal, I like my legs when they don’t feel like they’re breaking.
The Chair Chaser
This little position offered up perfect access to Duncan’s lovely penis. What it did not do, was make me wanna live any more.
Pros: All I can say is that thank God Instagram is flush with gym bunnies these days. Maybe they can manage this one.
Cons: I don’t even get on my tippy toes to look for a shirt at the back of my cupboard. If it reaches the top shelf, it’s dead to me. To attempt to maintain this position until ~*completion*~ seems ridiculous to me.
Get A Leg Up…
…And so obviously this was me:
And then this was me:
Pros: I mean, I suppose if you were doing this with your lover and not your gay best friend, it is the perfect position for staring into each other’s eyes (for reference, see the sultry, illustrated couple on the right who make me feel badly about myself).
Cons: Okay, so even if you’re more graceful than I am, it’s pretty tough to get your vag all up on that dick in this position. I finally attempted a one-legged hop in which I jabbed my crotch into Shaun’s. Also, I nearly knocked him over with the sheer force of my pelvic thrusts (men, I’ll be here all week). For this reason, I recommend ‘getting a leg up’ while your bae is leaning against a wall or something.
The Mexican Wave
So straight off the bat, I was like, ‘How do you even achieve penetration in this position?’ To which Duncan reassured me there are indeed some men who can bend their penises into seemingly impossible positions. Is there something gay men know that the heteros don’t know? I mean, obviously. But is there something gay men know about the hidden abilities of penises that we don’t? Apparently so.
Pros: Girl, if you’re looking to delve into the endless possibilities of your man’s ~*asshole*~ this is your position.
Cons: If you’re not into anal play and your boyfriend’s penis is of the stock standard, unbendy variety, The Mexican Wave offers little in the way of pleasure.
The Head Over Heels
This one was tricky for many reasons. Firstly, that parquet flooring, though. If, like me, you live in an older apartment that boasts such shnazzy flooring, you’ll want to attempt this on a carpeted area. Head Over Heels should more aptly be named the ‘Sliding the F*ck All Over the Place’.
Pros: If you’re attempting this while naked, sticky and in the throes of passion, you may be able to stick to one another. Our leggings provided no grip, which we quickly discovered as Shaun begged me to ‘Please not fall on your head and die.’
Cons: Chances are you don’t have a Duncan who will run to the scene of the attempted sex act and push the pillow and your elbows towards you. Which is what happened here. Between every photo.
The Pleasure Workout
Going into this, I was convinced this was surely the most kak position of all. I mean, for f*cks sake, it was the word ‘workout’ in it. How very wrong I was. I AM ABOUT THIS POSITION. And so was Duncan.
Pros: For a girl who despises being on top in the traditional sense, this position was surprisingly chilled. I was able to bob up and down with very little effort in my arms, as well as swivel my ass side to side with the greatest of ease.
Cons: None. I love it. I will never not be in this position for the rest of my life. (Maybe get your man a foam thingy-thing for under his hands if you’re worried about his comfort.)
I mean, Duncan is quite literally just sitting on my ass.
Pros: It was a very restful time in my life. In that I factually could not expend any energy, even if I wanted to.
Cons: ‘This would only work if we were attempting anal,’ said Duncan. So, there you have it.
That’s a wrap! The team and I posed for a squad photo, cursed ourselves for not having tried out any threesome positions (perhaps next time?) and then ate a feast to rebuild our strength after such ~*rigorous*~work.
Special thanks to our photographer, director and friend Aimee. She went above and beyond testing the lighting and positioning of the shoot.
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