1. Wearing double the amount of makeup you usually have on and your hair up doesn’t make you look any hotter than you usually do.
2. In fact, you’re at your most attractive first thing in the morning, when you’re still half-asleep and have pillow creases on your cheek.
3. Unless you downed a bottle of tequila all by yourself the night before.
4. And finished off all the garlic bread before you got into bed.
5. We also worry about what we look like naked. Yes, mainly because of our penises.
6. No, not because of the size but the state. Erect penises look fine and flaccid penises look fine, but anything in-between just looks ridiculous. Especially when we’re walking to the bathroom.
7. We like it when you step in and sort out our wardrobes, because we’re never really sure whether we’ve got it right.
8. Unless you make us look like we’re in a boy band. White pants and frilly D&G shirts are uncalled-for.
9. We hate it when you ask us what we’re thinking, especially while we’re cuddling after sex. If we’re cuddling after sex and we haven’t said anything in a while, we’re probably asleep.
10. We sit waiting for our cellphones to ring.
11. We do listen, for the most part. Just try giving us bullet points once in a while.
12. We love it when you make us a meal and the fact that it’s not quite Mom’s lasagne doesn’t matter at all.
13. H’mm, Mom’s lasagne…
14. We’re absolutely convinced that we’re funny. It’s an unfortunate design flaw that is entwined into every strand of our DNA. So please laugh.
15. Sometimes we cry a little, and not only when someone close to us dies. Some of that stuff on Oprah is just really… sad, you know?
16. We know full well that there’s nothing on any of the other DSTV channels. But there might be.
17. Your tummy is sexy whether you think so or not.
18. Playing hard to get is okay for a week or two, maximum. After that you’re just being arrogant.
19. When you’re wearing a blatantly low-cut top we have absolutely no idea whether that means we’re allowed to look or not.
20. We feel like idiots when you catch us looking.
21. We like it when you take the initiative and make the first move.
22. As long as you don’t have the reputation of a crazed serial stalker who’s just spent six months sitting outside our best friend’s gate with binoculars, wearing an ‘I love you, Tumi’ T-shirt.
23. We’re never 100% sure what we did to land such an incredible girlfriend.
24. We don’t really mind shopping all that much, as long as we get to buy at least one thing for ourselves.
25. Shaving cream and socks don’t count.
26. If you come to us with a problem, we will try to solve it. The fact that you only want consolation and a hug doesn’t make any sense to us at all.
27. We love your pet names for us but please don’t call us ‘Lovecuddles’ in front of our friends. They will never let it go.
28. Going for the testicles when we’re play-fighting, even though you think you’re joking, is as serious as our pulling a knife and jabbing it towards your eye.
29. No matter how evolved we are, we hate it when you ask us to carry your handbag.
30. If you don’t actually tell us what we did wrong, we’ll never work it out. Ever.