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The 5 Stages of a Drunk-Text Fight You Can Totally Relate To

No. 5, though.

1 Passive-aggressive, #FunnyNotFunny comment

Maybe he flirted a little too much with a girl at the bar. Or he ignored you for a whole hour while he played Fifa with the boys. Either way, you’re home now, kinda drunk, and super pissed. But you want to play it cool. You want him to acknowledge that he was being a bit of douche bag. You don’t want to come straight out and tell him what he did wrong.

So you text a passive-aggressive comment. Maybe something like, ‘Sure, I had fun… when I actually got to spend time with you’. You hit ‘Send’ and hope to goodness that it’s light-hearted enough for him to not feel like you’re over-thinking it, but pointed enough for him to still know you’re upset.

2 Absolute, of-course-I’m-right indignation

But then he replies something like, ‘Are you seriously upset that I was having fun with my friends?’ or ‘Stop being jealous! That was an old friend at the bar.’ And suddenly (maybe it’s the tequila?), your blood boils. You’re fuming, and now you don’t care if you’re being overbearing or over-jealous or over-anything.

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‘Forget it, I don’t argue with d*cks!’ you type back, punching your screen with each word like it’ll make you feel better. ‘I thought you were a nice guy. Obviously I was wrong’ you add, before he can reply.

3 Oh sh*t, he’s pissed

And then you wait. Silence. The longer you wait, the more you have time to read over your drunk-text exchange and start analysing. Were you too harsh? What if he’s being totally reasonable? What if he hates you now? What if you he’s The One and you never, ever fall in love again?!

4 A million grovelling apologies

So before he can reply (seriously though, he’s probably just gone to the toilet or something… and he’s probably worrying he’s upset you, too), you get back to texting. ‘I’m so sorry babe, I just care about you so much.’

Oscillating between anger (because, deep down, you’re still pissed) and fear that you’ll lose him forever, your fingers type out apology after apology: ‘Please don’t hate me’; ‘I’m not normally like this’; ‘It must be the vodka talking LOL’.

5 So much cringe #TheMorningAfterTheNightBefore

At some point last night between texts, drunk you fell fast asleep, makeup still on and phone in hand. So when you wake up this morning, joining your panda eyes and ringing head is a bucket-load of regret as you scroll through your drunk-text argument from last night.

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Suddenly, you see that you were both wrong, that he did eventually apologise, and that a simple convo where you told you were a little hurt and he said he’d more thoughtful next time would have made everything fine.

And so you do what any self-respecting, hungover girl does. You hit up brunch with your GFs and rant to them all about it.

Read 21 Signs You’re the Salty One in the Relationship

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