New best-selling book Gone Girl says that in Guy Land, ‘The Chill Girl’ is the equivalent of a human blow job…. but it’s all an act. Is it, though?
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Not sure what the Cool Girl’s all about? Luckily, there’s this short course from Gillian Flynn’s page-turning novel to enlighten you: ‘Being the Cool Girl means I am a…woman who adores rugby, poker, dirty jokes, and burping, who plays video games, drinks cheap beer, loves threesomes and anal sex, and jams hot dogs and hamburgers into her mouth…while somehow maintaining a size 2, because Cool Girls are, above all, hot. Hot and understanding.…Go ahead, shit on me, I don’t mind, I’m the Cool Girl.’
Now, if you read that passage and thought, ‘Hey, that’s almost me to the tee!’ (you don’t have to be a size 2 to be a Cool Girl, nor do you have to love anal sex: it’s more about your full-package than ticking every specific box and BTW: it’s that full package that makes you hot), you won’t like what comes next. You see, Gillian goes on to say that you’re nothing but a fakey old faker who’s been faking it up for years. According to her, while most Chill Girls are chugging that lager, they’re wishing they were rather sipping on a glass of Chenin. While they’re whooping it up watching the World Cup with the boys in a sports bar, they’re fantasising about their next covert The Bachelor binge, and when they’re falling into bed with one of their best bro-buds after the game, they’re dreaming of receiving that one perfect red rose.
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But there are, she concedes, a few of the very rare genuine article. They’re so relaxed and cool, they don’t even need the capitalisation: they’re just the cool chicks, the chill girls. Are you one of them?
Cool Girl Checklist
1. You can’t be bothered to get your nails/hair/tan/facial done every week or even every other week.
2. You’re not obsessed with finding a fully emotionally committed and monogamous relationship.
3. You’re not addicted to ‘Romance’: red carnations, twinkling pianos and candlelit dinners make you distinctly queasy.
4. PDA makes you very uncomfortable: you’re not a child who needs her hand held as she crosses the road!
5. There are puh-lenty of things you’d genuinely rather do than wake up early and hit the mall for coffee and gossip with a girlfriend, followed by a shopping spree… Like, why waste your buddy with benefits’ morning wood? Then afterwards, how about settling down to Top Gear’s Best Bloopers with him, while eating last night’s leftover pizza? And maybe even, going another round before he heads back home.
6. You. Just. Like. Beer.
7. You. Just. Hate. Pinterest. (And why is that so hard for other women to get?)
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