Let’s just say I haven’t been single in a long time. While I love my guy a ton and don’t plan on budging, sometimes I have some questions for the girls living their best single lives.
1 Do you just eat exactly what you wanna eat, whenever you wanna eat it?
Because, for me, when I want Greek food, I gotta spend nine hours dropping subtle bombs to my boyfriend before eventually using Ching Chong Cha to decide if I get my gyro or if he gets his Nando’s. One time, two weeks ago, we actually went on TWO dinner dates in one night, so I could get pizza and he could get chicken. Do you single girls just flit through the city eating whatever you want whenever you want? Or do you just end up arguing over where to have your hangover brunch with your friends?
2 Surely you must be masturbating yourself into oblivion?
Because I’m getting fabulous sex regularly, many times a week, and I still need self-love in between that. Is it like when Charlotte discovers a vibrator for the first time in SATC and doesn’t leave her bedroom for two days? Are you keeping hydrated?
3 Aren’t you sick and tired of hearing about your bestie’s significant other?
Because I’m one of the annoying people who talks about my boyfriend all the time and even I’m sick of hearing about other people’s partners. How are you so patient? How do you find the courage to always ask, ‘How’s *insert name of person who stole your best friend away from you* doing?’ Ya’ll deserve a medal.
4 Are you either drunk or hungover all the time?
Because when I’m single I never know when to leave the bar and try to make ‘breakfast beer’ a thing. Is this all single people? Or am I just a foolish extremist? Writing this down, I appreciate that not being single is probably better for my health.
5 Has sending an unsolicited dick pic ever worked?
No judgment, seriously. We coupled-up girls just keep hearing tale upon tale of photos revealing fleshy man bits and many of us have never received one. Have you ever seen a penis so pretty you thought, ‘I’d like to have a coffee with this man?’
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