1 He grew up in a naked house
Skip this and move right along to the next point if you, too, were raised in a clothing-optional household. You can’t be expected to appreciate the emotional cyclone that sweeps up the rest of us as he blithely goes about his day-to-day routine in the nick. Because a free-hanging man simply preparing dinner can cause huge inner turmoil – especially if hot oil is involved, or you know he can be a bit of a butter-fingers and he’s handling a knife. It’s very hard to relax while thoughts of whether you’ve got Savlon are vying with the question of whether a re-attached penis ever works the same as before, and you’re doing everything you can not to shout aloud, ‘When last did you take a shower?’
2 He thinks he can dance
Being rhythm-handicapped is always problematic, but the guy who knows he’s no Channing Tatum is nothing compared to the deluded dude who truly believes he’s got all the moves. You’re unlikely to know this straight off the bat: it will only fall into place some months down the line … way after he’s on first-name terms with your dad and is in full and riveting swing to Shake It Off at your cousin’s wedding.
Related: Taylor Swift’s Boyfriend ‘Mementoes’
3 His ex is named Trevor
Or Pete. Or Thabo. And this you did not know until an awkward exchange in which you’re stiltingly introduced to an obviously very close friend whose name you’ve never once heard him mention. Asking whether it was an experimental relationship or if you’re perhaps a last shot at heterosexuality might be tricky – but it has to be done.
4 He has the taste buds of a four-year-old
It’s not an issue when most of the eating you’re doing involves just the two of you, late-night snacks, and restaurants with plenty of choices. It’s still manageable when you’re having friends over to meet him and it’s your table and your menu. But that changes as soon as you’re in the position to accept or refuse an invitation handed out by your closest friends… to dinner at their’s. That, you see, comes with a bunch of inevitable questions around your new guy’s food preferences, and hearing yourself reel off a long list of no-go food that includes things like ‘squishy veggies’ is bound to put his previously unquestioned sex-god status under urgent review.
Related: Create a Sex Goddess