1 He’s only available at completely random times. Not only does he never make concrete plans at least 24 hours in advance, but the times he is available are in the midnight-to-3am range or, like, a Sunday afternoon when he just happens to be bored out of his skull.
2 Or he spends all his time with you. He’s been at your place literally every night this week, which makes you wonder if he has any responsibilities? Is his own home so ransacked with dirty clothes and towers of takeout containers that he can’t just read a book sometimes?
5 He completely drops off for weeks because ‘work got crazy’. His hands were way too tied to reply to your ‘Hey!’ or ‘Are we still on for tonight?’ and especially ‘…Seriously?? F*ck you’ texts. But now that he has a sliver of time, he’d love for you to come over.
6 He gets very hung up on labels. He’s totally not seeing anyone else but he also thinks ‘boyfriend’ is way too restrictive a term. He’d feel much better if you just introduced him as ‘Guy I Go on Dates With and Sleep With Exclusively but Also, We’re So Chiiiiiiill‘.
7 His stories seem way too good to be true. There’s a guy trying to impress his crush, and then there’s mentioning that he’s always invited to at least eight parties at once and has Judd Apatow’s personal number, which he definitely uses to text him all the time.
8 Everything he ever wants to do involves getting f*cked up. If the only time you see him sober is the brief hour between waking up and all-you-can-drink brunch, you’re dating a fluffed-up version of whoever this guy actually is.
11 Or every one of his exes is a reincarnation of evil more horrible than the last and would only tell the worst lies about him if you asked. Sounds legit, dude!
12 He gets incredibly defensive if you ask about his sexual history. If you asking about the last time he got tested is ‘rude’, he probably either doesn’t remember the last time he did (if he ever did at all), or is hiding something much, much worse.
14 He gets super-touchy around women he doesn’t know. His hands keep ending up on the shoulders and lower backs of attractive women he just met, but you’re the crazy one!
15 His Insta likes are 90% hot women in bikinis, yoga pants, or impeccably lit selfies. You’d think he’d fave a few scenic vacation shots or food ‘grams just to switch it up and hide the flirting-with-everyone a little bit.
16 You’ve seen him watching the same girl’s Snaps or Insta Stories a lot. You have no idea who she is aside from that one girl he obsessively keeps tabs on. Bonus points if you see him scrolling through his own views as if looking for one specific person.
17 His texts feel generic enough to be a chain letter. An out-of-the-blue ‘hey’ is the modern-day f*ckboy equivalent of a ‘forward this to 20 friends or you’ll be haunted for life’ e-mail in rainbow Comic Sans. Everyone gets it and no-one in their right mind should ever respond.
Originally published on Cosmopolitan.com