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12 Realities of Dating a Durban Guy

Durban guys are great!

When you need a break from the fancy-pants Capetonians and the work-obsessed Jozi dudes, dating a guy from Durban could be the best decision you’ll ever make. He’s super-chilled, owns precisely zero formal attire – and he’ll never stop telling you why Durban is actually the best. Here are the 12 truths about dating a guy who hails from Durbs.

1. He doesn’t care if his beer is craft. Or if his bread is artisanal. And he still doesn’t quite understand the concept of a ‘flat white’. Like, is it just a cappuccino with a fancy name, or what? He grew up on Castle and cappuccinos, and he’s not going to change. He’s always open to trying a bite of your banting cracker over brunch, but there’s no way in hell he’d ever order it for himself. Or refer to it as ‘brunch’.

2. He is low-key obsessed with his car. In fact, when you go shopping together half of the bags have to go in the back seat because of the massive subwoofer in his boot. It doesn’t matter how expensive the car is – it’s his baby, and it’s always in perfect condition. If he treats you like he treats his car, he’s the type of guy you should never let go.

3. He’s just… really chilled. It must be something to do with those hills? Or maybe the beaches? Either that, or the humidity has altered the part of his brain that controls stress. He’s just a super-chill, laid back guy. It takes a lot for him to stress out about anything, and, no matter how frazzled you are, he manages to calm you down just with his presence.

4. He makes curries like you won’t believe. And he’s basically a spice wizard. He can whip up a curry good enough to be served at the fanciest Indian restaurant, no measuring tools required. It’s like Durbanites are born with an innate understanding of spice. Also, when he’s not in Durbs, he’ll complain that it’s impossible to find a decent bunny chow. He just wants half a loaf of bread with some hot curry, damn it! Is that too much to ask?

5. He’d much rather go to a house party or a braai than a loud club. He’ll never understand people scheduling fancy dinners in the city for 9pm. First of all, it’s expensive. Secondly, it’s far too late – everyone knows dinner is at 5:30pm. Thirdly, don’t these people have homes? He’s far more into the idea of a casual chill-sesh at someone’s house than a night out on the town. And he’ll probably be the one cooking the meat to medium-rare perfection.

6. His Havaianas are his smart-casual attire. He doesn’t understand why you’d want to wear anything else, tbh. Who needs ‘closed shoes’ anyway? In his mind, ‘dressing up’ is Havaianas, board shorts and ‘I put on a shirt.’

7. He has a very, very, very high tolerance for super-hot food. Nando’s extra-hot peri-peri marinade is like butter chicken to him, and the burn from wasabi is basically his hobby. The more chilli he can throw on just about everything, the better. In fact, you sometimes wonder how he ever tastes anything, what with the fact that his mouth is perpetually on fire.

8. He’ll never set foot into a Cape Town ocean, because even in the heart of summer it’s ‘too cold’. He’s far too used to Durban beaches that are like bathwater, so asking him to frolic in the Camps Bay waves would be asking too much. He’ll go with you – just don’t expect him to feel the water with anything more than his big toe.

9. He’ll complain about missing ‘The Hills’. Except he’s not talking about that MTV show, he’s talking about the actual green hills. Don’t expect him to be wetting himself over Table Mountain – it’s going to take more than that to win him over. He’ll take every opportunity to remind you that Durban is more lush – and that those green hills trump every other type of terrain any day.

10. He can braai the perfect steak (and chops and chicken). Maybe it’s because of all those house braais, but he is damn good at cooking meat. He’ll probably shove some corn and potatoes on there, too. Your braais will never be the same again.

11. He can’t speak Afrikaans to save his life. Unless his actual family is Afrikaans, he’s got a literal mental block against the language. Hearing him try to say a sentence in Afrikaans can keep you entertained for days. He won’t even be offended, because he’s fully aware how terrible he is.

12. He’s one of the least pretentious people you’ll ever have the pleasure of knowing. He doesn’t have a super-trendy haircut, and you won’t often see him dressed up, but it doesn’t even matter. He’s just a basic, easy, no-fuss kind of guy – and he’s not trying to impress anyone (except you).

Image courtesy of Ant Farrant. Follow him on Instagram @whats_on_durban

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