Owning Up
Cosmo Editor

Owning Up

- Cosmo Editor

Real guys share their most monumental cock ups… in the true sense of that word.

Accidental Stalker
‘I was browsing through the People You May Know section on Facebook when l came across this girl I recognised, so I requested her as my friend. The next morning, as l was standing in the lift at work, the girl stepped in. l realised then that she had looked so familiar because she works in my building… and that l don’t actually know her. Neither of us said anything, and it was one long, awkward ride. Now l see her all the time – even at the deli at lunchtime. She must think I’m such a creep for friending her without ever saying a word to her, and I’m too embarrassed to explain myself.’
- Jongiwe*, 27

He’s No Picasso

‘My parents were out of town while I was on holiday from varsity, so l had a huge party at their house. My friends and I have this tradition of drawing all over the face of the first one of us to pass out. When we found the poor sucker who was the first to go, we had a field day, drawing all sorts of variations of the male anatomy on his face with a permanent black marker. He wasn’t happy when he woke up in the morning, but we all thought it was hysterical. ‘When l finally got around to cleaning up, l realised that the marker had bled off my friend’s face in his sleep, leaving the imprint of a crudely drawn penis on my parents’ brand new couch cushions. I turned them over and prayed they wouldn’t discover anything. A few weeks later, l got a call from my irate mother, yelling about how l had ruined her couch.’
- Daryl*, 20

A Big Package
‘l was up late one night and saw an ad on TV for penis enlargement pills. Curiosity got the better of me, and l decided to place an order to see if they actually worked. I lived with two flatmates, but the company assured me that the packaging was discreet and that nobody would be able to tell what it was without opening it. Two weeks later, l ended up getting a new job and moving. Soon after, l got a call from my old flatmate regarding a mysterious, unmarked package, and he asked if I wanted him to open it. I told him that I knew what it was and asked him to forward the package to me instead. Weeks went by, and it never arrived, but l never followed up because I didn’t want to arouse any suspicion. A few months later, when I returned to visit, my friends threw me a party. About an hour into it, my old flatmates showed up, and as I extended my hand to greet them, they took turns placing a bottle of the enlargement pills in my hand in the middle of the room for everyone to see. Despite the fact that I am more than 1.8 metres tall, everyone I know now thinks I have a tiny package.’
- Anthony*, 28

Sex-Tip Slip
‘I typed up a story about this cool sex move I’d invented and sent it to my list of varsity friends… or so I thought. In the e-mail, I went into detail about the Deer in Headlights, which is when both you and the girl you’re with stop moving right before you are about to finish. You’re both frozen like deer in headlights until the sensation passes, and you can have sex for a longer period of time afterwards. I didn’t know that l had sent the e-mail to the wrong list of people until a girl I didn’t know responded, ‘Thanks for the tip, Vaneshran. I can’t wait to meet you next Sunday.’ It turns out that I had actually blasted the e-mail to a list for an upcoming event that had about 40 people on it – including at least ten people I had never met.’
- Vaneshran*, 34

*Names have been changed

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