Ah, to be Greek. We love big, we love crazy, and if you can look past the red boiled eggs perching in old-ass bowls rimmed in gold around our house four months after Easter, you’re in for a damn treat. But be warned, there are 10 things you absolutely must know before dating us.
1 We’re screamers
When you’re with us at a family gathering, you’ll be mildly horrified by the fact that we all murderously scream at one another. Don’t be alarmed: we tend to only have one volume and we shout about everything. The aunt in Greece who died and left nothing to her family other than her gambling debt will provoke yells as loud as if someone is casually asking you how work is.
2 Your Greek girlfriend will stealthily disappear into the bathroom every so often
Do not go after her. Do not try and enter. We are mostly likely waxing our top lip and furiously parting our eyebrows. While we know that you know that we’re hairy – we will never discuss these things with you and we will never let you see our grooming rituals.
3 We eat.
When we’re not eating, we’re feeding. I apologise in advance for the fact that my mother and aunt will try to force feed you Pistachio while my one weird uncle (named either George or Nick) picks off pieces of lamb from the spit while insisting that his is the best lamb in the city.
4 Speaking of Nick…
Literally I have four immediate family members who are named Nic, Nick, Nicole and Nico. It’s not a joke. It’s real life. The reason Greeks still cackle with laughter over My Big Fat Greek Wedding is because it’s terrifyingly accurate.
5 Don’t be alarmed when we spit on you
It’s actually a compliment. We think you’re so lovely and brilliant that the devil might be after you and so we’re trying to ward him off.
6 We’ll ruin Greek restaurants for you
Our homemade Greek food is so amazing and authentic that if you ever break up with us you’ll be doomed to a bland existence where those Greek restaurants you once thought were great now don’t even touch sides. You’ll miss real Greek food so much that you’ll try to find another Greek girl to date. But the community already knows. The community already knows you’ve broken the heart of a Greek girl and are therefore undeserving of Baklava and more Greek girlfriends. The Greek community hates you.
7 We believe in some weird sh*t
Much of it involves, as I mentioned, spitting. And pretty much all the other ones involve garlic. We Greeks love garlic. It makes our food tasty. It, too, wards off the devil. What’s not to love?
8 Shut up about the ‘Greek style’
We don’t love anal sex. At least, we don’t love it more than anyone else loves it. We have moderate to borderline indifferent opinions on anal sex.
9 You can never show a Greek girl too much love
Mostly because those of us who have male siblings have been living in his shadows for as long as we can remember. Greek boys can do no wrong in the eyes of their Greek mothers. Please do dote on the Greek girl.
10 Gauge whether or not yours is a ‘good’ Greek girl or a ‘bad’ Greek girl
If she’s good, you’re in for a treat and will soon be learning all about her culture and traditions, and she might even let you watch her make some kourabiedes. If she’s a ‘bad’ Greek – like me – she sometimes might just string along the twelve-or-so Greek words she knows and adjust tone accordingly to sound fluently displeased and super cultured. She may truly be eloquent and bilingual – or she may be saying, ‘Giraffe sit down stand up can I have some tea your grandmother’s house’ to try sound fancy and impress you.
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