1 What shall I wear on my feet today? Boots? Or something else? Oh wait, there IS nothing else that will go with my stockings. Why am I even alive?!
2 Constantly feeling like you’re fighting a losing battle is not a fun way to spend a day… You pull them up, they fall back down, hoik them up, down they go.
3 I just hope no-one noticed that since my 2pm toilet break, my arse has been on display to the entire world.
4 The process of correcting a lowering tights crotch (LTC) is never going to help me get a date.
5 Your nails become your worst enemy – because pulling up shreddable material with very sharp nails is only going to end one way.
6 Is this the back? Or is it the front? The back? Or the front? I’m pretty sure it’s the… Oh, who cares.
7 Ladders are the mortal enemy… Unless they are high enough to be hidden by a dress or skirt, and then you’re winning.
8 What do deniers even mean, though? 10, 20, 30, 40, 60, 80 – no-one knows and no-one cares.
9 When outside: ‘My mother lied, I’m not warm at all.’ When inside: ‘Oh, good. My legs appear to be sweating.’
10 I have never been more proud of my toes… When they manage to erode the dark, cramped prison you’ve been keeping them in and make a toe-shaped hole. Until, of course, they get cold and you realise the grass may have been greener inside the sweaty stockings, after all.
11 I really love how black opaque tights highlight my dry-skin problem. Hey, hey, everyone! I have dusty legs! And the skin flakes handily show up on my black tights so you can all get a good look! Come see!
12 They might look bad, but at least bobbly tights give me something to do on the train.
13 I hate that I was forced to buy these medium-large tights that will now forever bunch around my ankles like some kind of wrinkly dog. What’s wrong with plain medium? They’ve got enough bloody deniers, after all.
14 *Must plan a private undressing time so the new lover does not see my attractive taking-off-stockings face*
15 Your feet are never warm in winter. Unless you layer socks over the top of the tights but NO-ONE wants the toe sweats.
16 My feet have started to smell so gross I am considering whether I need them to get through life…
17 Tomorrow, I’m going to try bare legs and be all Alexa Chung about life.
18 Don’t even talk to me about my underwear drawer. Stockings basically ruin everything.
19 Sitting down… Oh, tummy! I was wondering where you’d gone.
This post was originally published on Cosmopolitan.com/uk.
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