If you're dragging around the weight of past hurts, it might be time to give yourself a psychological spring-clean.
Remember the time your Grade 2 teacher made you stand in front of the class and berated you for being 'stupid'? Or when the guy you were planning on marrying woke up one morning and told you he didn't love you anymore? Of course you do. Chances are, those memories are emblazoned in your mind and, whether you're aware of it or not, they probably impact you in more ways than you realise. While you know, rationally, that your teacher was a douche and that getting out of a relationship with that loser was a lucky escape, many of us live our lives stuck in an emotional time-warp where the humiliation and hurt affect us like they happened yesterday. Says Tracey Foulkes, owner of productivity training company,
Get Organised, in the same way you de-clutter your wardrobe, sometimes you need to de-clutter your emotional life. 'When you push painful emotional experiences to the back of your mind, these become baggage and lead to a situation where we are controlled by our emotions,' explains Foulkes.
Say, for example, your boss criticises something you've done. Instead of using her opinion constructively and knowing that it isn't personal, you spiral into a state of fear and humiliation where you start questioning your abilities and self-worth. You're right back in Grade 2. Or, the guy you went on a date with takes two days to call you, making you question your desirability and attractiveness. Emotionally, you're five years back, sitting in your bedroom being dumped. Says Foulkes, emotional baggage can act like a 'fog' through which we view the world. In order to make sense of how painful emotional experiences affect the here and now, we need to learn to identify our emotional triggers and control inappropriate responses.
CLEANING OUT THE CLOSET
As Foulkes explains, as humans we are able to open our 'emotional cupboard' and sift through the items we like and need, and 'throw out' the things we don't. Essentially, emotional intelligence is concerned with having a developed sense of self-awareness, which entails understanding why we respond to things in certain ways and managing this response, particularly when it has negative consequences in our lives. For example, if you are able to give the guy a chance to explain his reasons for not contacting you sooner, he might have a very valid excuse. But if you feel upset and rejected to that the point that you're angry and accusatory towards him, you could sabotage your chances of a relationship upfront.
Unfortunately, identifying and dumping our 'baggage' is easier said than done, and not quite as simple as chucking out those hideous paisley pants. But being mindful of certain patterns and recognising that some of your responses to circumstances may not be appropriate is a good start. Think about the events that stand out in your mind as painful and humiliating, and see if you can make a connection between the way you felt back then and the way you respond to seemingly unrelated life events now. Through this self-awareness and insight it becomes easier to monitor ones reactions. If you find yourself overreacting to things but can't seem to get a handle on where these emotions come from, you might want to consider seeing a therapist, particularly if you feel your baggage holds you back considerably. A professional will help you go back in time and trace patterns you might not even be aware of. If you feel drained, frustrated, moody, overwhelmed and/or anxious, it might be time for a psychological spring-clean and to leave those heavy bags at the door.