Being a man's most unforgettable lover isn't about memorising some amazing move or magic formula. It's about embracing a simple fact: His idea of the ultimate sexual experience is probably something he's never told you about (and it's on his mind 24/7). 'All guys have secret sexual fantasies that they hide from their partners, and it's completely normal,' says sex therapist Dr Ian Kerner, author of
He Comes Next (William Marrow). In fact, Kerner has a phrase for those fantasies: 'The best sex he never had.' If you can discover what's going on in his head and combine it with what's actually happening in bed, you'll truly wow him.
Anything that's been covert for so long isn't easy to unearth, but we'll give you a map of his sexual psyche and show you how to tap into it. The benefit is, 'Getting him to share his wildest desires re-energises your sexual curiosity and can take you to a new level of intimacy outside of bed,' says sex therapist Dr Carole Altman, author of
You Can Be Your Own Sex Therapist (Casper Publishing).
INSIDE HIS SECRET SEX LIFE
You already know that men are more visual than women, and yes, plenty of their fantasies stem from things they've seen and then re-imagined. 'External visual stimuli - whether it's porn or just a pretty girl on the street - trigger fleeting fantasies all day,' says Kerner. Men also have favourite drawn-out fantasies. 'Most guys think of these scenarios when they need material during masturbation or just as they're about to peak with a woman,' says Kerner. These imaginings, he explains, run the gamut from basics like doing the deed in unexpected places to the downright bizarre. And this much sex on the brain is actually a good thing. 'A partner with a rich sexual imagination is going to be more attentive to your fulfilment too,' says Kerner.
Persuading a man to talk can be tough. Here are three reasons he silences himself, and how to break through:
| He Doesn't Know How To Ask |
While you've been sharing intimate sex secrets with girlfriends since your teens, guys haven't. 'Men are taught to have sex, not talk about it,' says Dr Gabrielle Morrissey, author of A Year of Spicy Sex (Da Capo Press). 'They give non-verbal or indirect clues about what they want in bed,' adds Morrissey. For example, if he moans extra loud when you push him onto the bed or makes a joke about being tied up, he may want to be dominated.
But if your man isn't dropping any discernible hints, Kerner suggests that you casually 'Oooh' at something in an erotic book (say you got it at a bachelorette party) or a movie scene and watch his response. 'Guys are blunt about what they don't want, so if he seems quiet or intrigued, you're onto something,' says Kerner. Then ask him to find a page or name a scene he finds even hotter, and let the conversation flow. |
| He's Afraid You'll Think He's a Perv |
| He Doesn't Know They Can Come True |