Straight Women, Lesbian Sex
It happened in a Johannesburg bar in 2000. Janine* and I were engaging in small talk when I leant over and kissed her. It was the most sensual soft kiss. Thinking back now, I can’t remember whether she had given any indication that she was interested or that she would even reciprocate. But she did. She and I were experiencing our first lesbian kiss. I wasn’t kissing her to thrill a guy – we weren’t two semi-clad girls dancing seductively together, one eye on each other, the other winking at the cute guy at the bar. I wasn’t kissing her because it was a cool social trend, nor was I a teenager mechanically practising on my female friend. I was turned on by this girl.... But not enough to take it further, not even to the point of touching her breast through her top. We did kiss on a few more occasions. Yet we never exchanged numbers or deluded ourselves that it would be anything more. Perhaps we were still too nervous and conservative. She asked me once whether I was lesbian; I told her I wasn’t. But I was left wondering: what was I?
According to Johannesburg psychologist Dr Janne Dannerup, most women contemplate having an intimate experience with another woman at some stage of their lives, and experimentation has become increasingly socially acceptable. ‘The subculture that regards same-sex experimentation as a sign of freedom and empowerment is on the rise,’ she says. ‘And as our society moves towards increasing gender equality, we’ve become less focused on gender separation and more tolerant of sexual relations that cross the boundaries of traditional gender pairings.’
WHY WOMEN EXPERIMENT
According to Johannesburg psychologist Katherine Bain, this kind of sexual experimentation might be an act of curiosity, an attempt at deeper intimacy or even the beginning of an acknowledgment of homosexuality. ‘All women have the potential to experience intimacy with other women,’ she says. ‘Whether this intimacy is extended to a sexual arena is dependent on factors such as upbringing, religion and the fulfilment experienced in a current relationship.’
For many girls, the first lesbian encounter occurs during adolescence. ‘This is the time women begin to grapple with identity issues,’ says Bain. While for some experimentation is investigative, for others it might take the form of rebellion against societal norms such as settling down and starting a family, says Dannerup. Other women start fantasising or experimenting only when their male partner has failed to satisfy their needs, while traumatic experiences with men could also be a catalyst. ‘A woman might find that sexual intimacy with men reopens the trauma, so she seeks a safer form of intimacy with another woman,’ says Dannerup. A further reason: if a woman has emotionally satisfying and open interactions with her female friends, she might wonder whether this intensity could be replicated in a sexual encounter.
WHAT’S THE TURN-ON?
Since my first ‘lesbian’ kiss, I have kissed several more girls of all ages and races who were in various stages of relationships. In most cases I was motivated by the thrill of engaging in slightly taboo behaviour. Again, it was rarely the result of desire. But according to Dannerup, desire is not a prerequisite. ‘When a woman finds that her male partner has little understanding of her sexual and intimacy needs, it’s logical for her to wonder whether a woman wouldn’t have more sensitivity and insight,’ she says.
Most women find the experience intense and tender. ‘It was definitely softer and less passionate than with a man,’ remembers Tracie. ‘I missed the hard muscles – but it was more tranquil, almost like there was no rush to end it.’ Intuition is another big factor. According to Cathy*, 28, a teacher in Johannesburg, whose experimentation led to her realisation that she was bisexual, women anticipate better than men. ‘The first time it was as though she could read my mind and knew exactly how I wanted to be touched,’ she says. She felt vulnerable yet safe at the same time when making love to her girlfriend. ‘I also found arousing a woman far more satisfying to witness than pleasuring a man.’
LABELLING IT
You’ve experienced a passionate kiss with your best friend, you’re still 100% turned on by the hot guy on the dance floor and, unlike Cathy, you’re certain you’re not bisexual. Still, you wonder what that kiss really meant. Could you be lesbian?
‘It is more useful to look at sexual orientation as a sort of spectrum with heterosexuality at one end and homosexuality at the other, rather than looking at these as two distinct categories,’ says Bain. ‘Over the course of their lives many women move up and down the spectrum as they explore their sexuality and their needs for nurture and connection.’
Tracie still considers herself to be straight. For her, that night was purely about exploration. Sonya*, 30, a journalist in Johannesburg, has had two lesbian experiences and also sees herself as heterosexual. ‘If you have respect for yourself and whoever you’re in bed with, you’re on the right track,’ she says. ‘Whether it’s a man or woman is irrelevant.’
*Names have been changed