Sexual Healing
Andrea,* 23, was unable to have sex with her boyfriend for four years. ‘The thought of anything coming near my vagina made me shiver. I hated the thought of being penetrated by anything.’ Every time Andrea tried to have sex, she would tense up. ‘I began to develop a deep hatred for sex. I wanted nothing to do with anything sexual. I hated watching it on television or reading articles in magazines.’
After visiting the gynaecologist, Andrea was told that she had vaginismus.
‘Vaginismus is a condition in which the muscles in the lower third of the vagina involuntarily constrict so tightly that they’re unable to allow penetration, or at least make penetration incredibly painful,’ explains clinical sexologist and DISA Health Care Director, Professor Elna McIntosh. The result, she says, is that a couple is either unable have sex at all, or is able to do so, but with tremendous difficulty. ‘Studies have shown that up to 47% of women experience general pain during sex, and between 6% and 10% suffer with vaginismus,’ says McIntosh.
Andrea’s relationship subsequently ended, and when she met her new partner, Greg,* she always found ways to avoid having sex. After two months of foreplay and no penetration, she told Greg the truth about her fear of sex, and together, they began to work through it. ‘For the first time, I realised I wasn’t alone. So many women are going through the same things as me and don’t know how to treat it.’
However, McIntosh believes that vaginismus can be misdiagnosed. Sometimes, what is thought to be vaginismus, is actually an unrealistic fear or phobia, says McIntosh. A woman might not even be conscious of her fear, she explains.
‘For example, fear of re-experiencing pain after unsuccessful attempts can quickly set up a self-perpetuating cycle, creating a greater likelihood of painful penetration, which simply creates more fear.’
WHAT TO DO
McIntosh advises you see a gynaecologist and attend to any physiological issues. Next, she recommends seeing a psychotherapist, preferably one certified in sex therapy, to identify and address your fears.
‘Once you, your gynaecologist and your therapist have addressed all physiological and psychological problems, the final step is to reprogram your central nervous system.’ This includes discovering your pleasure zones and becoming more familiar with your vagina, says McIntosh.
‘You’ll need to engage in a process called systematic desensitisation,’ advises McIntosh. This process teaches your central nervous system that its self-protective automatic responses aren’t necessary and are, in fact, not desired, she says.
‘If you remain diligent in your exercises, you’ll eventually find your involuntary reactions decreasing and your comfort and desire for having sex increasing,’ says McIntosh. When you do attempt sex, make sure to use lubrication and be gentle, as it won’t necessarily be enjoyable the first time around. Begin with gentle penetration, progress to gentle thrusting, and eventually you’ll be able to enjoy painless sex, says McIntosh.
‘We tried 10 times before we were successful,’ says Andrea. ‘The night it was successful, I wasn’t even expecting it, something in my mind and body just let go. For the first time in my life I was able to have sex without any reservations or worries. Ever since that day, it has become easier.’ And Andrea and Greg haven’t looked back. They are engaged and have a fulfilling, and more importantly, fearless sex life.
DID YOU KNOW?
There are more kinds of sexual phobias than you think:
• Genophobia – the fear of having sex
• Heterophobia – the fear of the opposite sex
• Sexophobia – the fear of genitalia
• Erotophobia – the feeling of guilt/fear relating to sex
• Coitophobia – the fear of heterosexual sex