He-Tox Your Sex Life
They say you never forget your first, but what if you can't forget your second, third or fourth? It's hard to imagine getting hot and sweaty with a new man when your mind keeps wandering back to your ex. In fact, it can be difficult to think about sex with anyone else ever again.
When my friend Gemma, 29, a PA, split up with Adam, she was devastated. 'He was the perfect mix of dominant, sensitive, adventurous and extremely well-hung,' she recalls. 'It was the best sex of my life and I knew I'd never meet a lover as good as him again. The next time I slept with someone was a disaster. He smelt wrong, was too hairy and licked rather than nibbled. Basically, he wasn't Adam and, within minutes, I wanted him out of my bed. That night, I felt the pain of our break-up all over again.'
It's no surprise that ex-sex is so hard to eradicate from our minds. For starters, sex is, physiologically, a bigger deal for women. Men have 10 times more testosterone in their bodies than us so, for them, arousal can easily bring ex-amnesia. But we tend to need an emotional connection to our lover – even if only fleeting. When our hearts are bypassed, arousal is more difficult, especially once the first lust-fuelled madness has passed. This explains why 85% of women in a survey from the book The New Male Sexuality (Bantam Doubleday Dell Publishing Group) said emotional involvement was essential for intercourse. This can make sex more meaningful, which is brilliant, but also makes it tougher to forget.
'During sex, we release eight times more of the bonding hormone oxytocin than men,' explains Kate Taylor, author of A Woman's Guide To Sex (Firefly Books). 'As well as this, when you think about the physicality of sex, women literally let the man enter their bodies.' It's true, isn't it? No matter what the scientists say or how cool you try to be, when someone has actually been inside your body, it's hard not to be emotional about them. Sometimes it's draining enough letting a new man into your flat, let alone your vagina.
Nevertheless, we still hope the 'new' will somehow wring out the 'old', but all that happens is that you're reminded of the 'old' even more. And even if the new smell, body and technique don't activate nostalgia, there are plenty of other reasons why having sex for the first time after an ex can be nerve-wracking. I don't know about you, but whenever I've been AWOS (Absent Without Sex) for more than a month, I'm convinced a whole range of new sexual practices must have been invented behind my back. And if your last sexual relationship was lousy, there's a chance you'll be pondering, 'Do all men come in five seconds/refuse to go down on you/batter your clitoris/pester you for a threesome?' Short of the drastic option of never sleeping with anyone again, there must be ways to erase those emotional ex-sex triggers and flashbacks of 'shags past' from your future clinches. Right?
OLD HABITS DIE HARD
First things first: being naked in front of a man who's never seen you naked before is terrifying. Whereas you had no qualms about padding about your ex's flat totally naked, the thought of removing all your clothes in front of a new guy can be scary. For some reason, I imagine all new boyfriends' exes possessed flat stomachs, pert boobs and toned thighs. Tracey Cox, of The Sex lnspectors, agrees: 'I don't think many people feel comfortable stripping in front of a total stranger. But it does help to forget any preconceived notions you might possess about having to climb into bed on date three. And remember, while you're sucking in your stomach, he's nervous that the arms you're grabbing onto aren't as muscular as your ex's were.' OK, so he's worried too, but what about intimacy? Your ex knew how to turn you on, and there's nothing like a prod in the wrong place to remind you how in-tune you used to be.
Pippa, 26, a designer, agrees: 'I spent three years with Simon and we'd perfected things in bed. He knew exactly how I liked to be touched, and he was talented at oral sex. I didn't realise quite how talented until I started dating other men. No one can do it like him. It's incredibly frustrating!'
Cox isn't sympathetic. 'How boring! What a pain to have a gorgeous new lover rediscover all your known sensitive spots – and some unknown ones. How tedious to have to guide his deliciously sensitive tongue to all the right bits. How awful to spend all day in bed, fuelled by champagne and oysters, taking him on a guided tour of your body.' Well, put like that...
But it's undeniable: there is something comforting about getting into bed with a man you've been with for ages. You know and love all their bits and pieces, and adapting to a new body can be hard. In the beginning with Ade, I missed Rick's smooth chest. After we split, I met David and I yearned for Ade's hairy chest. And when I met Michael, I mourned David's beautiful bum. I've accepted that, like anything new, there's an uncomfortable period of transition – but finding something good they have that the ex doesn't always helps.
Yet even the sturdiest positive attitude can waver the first time you have sex after a break up. It's so emotional, many of us have a good cry afterwards, but you shouldn't be ashamed or worried. It takes time to build up a sexual CV with a new man. In the meantime, psychosexual counsellor Joy Rosendale suggests keeping your eyes open while in bed with him. 'This stops you retreating into the past. Looking into your new partner's eyes will keep you in the present.'
You can also make practical changes to mark the transition from old to new. 'Buy new undies!' advises Taylor. 'Something as simple as wearing knickers that your ex never saw can feel liberating. New sheets, new candles and moving the bed to a new position will help you remember that the novelty of exploring a brand new body can be what the best sex is really made of.'
Of course, when it comes to ex-sex, there's a chance the sexual legacy you're desperate to forget isn't a positive one.
Carla, 28, a press officer, had two successive boyfriends who rarely went down on her. 'I ended up with a complex – even though I continued giving them blow jobs, I no longer expected or even wanted reciprocation. Now I'm with a fantastic guy who loves it, but it took me ages to relax and enjoy it.' Learning to exorcise ex-sex really comes into its own if you're moving from a selfish lover to a caring, generous one. It can feel wonderfully liberating and usually we end up thinking, 'Why the hell did I put up with that lousy creep for so long?'
MOVING ON
Getting to the point of moving on can take time, and it's all too easy to languish in post-break-up recovery. I once loitered here for so long that when I eventually did go to bed with a new man, I quivered like a born-again virgin. Meanwhile, during periods of celibacy, I imagined the dating jungle was full of female sexual gymnasts. The types who do yoga and can tuck their ankles behind their ears, or know the secrets of Shanghai brothels. Cox knows that feeling. 'After my divorce, the first few times I went out I felt truly tragic. Everyone seemed younger, prettier and more together than I was. But it didn't take me long to realise that, although things appear to change fast in dating land, it's mostly surface.'
She's right. Nothing's changed; everyone's doing it exactly like they always used to.
Well, not quite everybody. Gemma has found happiness with a new man. 'I rarely think of Adam. OK, so my new boyfriend isn't as technically brilliant in bed as he was, but the relationship as a whole is so much better that I don't care. I'm doing something with my new man that I never did with Adam – we're making love, not just having sex. Great sex on its own doesn't mean a great relationship. Once you get that into your head, it's much easier to get the ex-sex out.'
EX-SEX FEARS EXORCISED, FAST! A first-time sex opportunity is on the cards – but you're worried…
Ex-Sex Fear #1
IS IT TOO SOON?
If you feel it's too soon, it probably is. 'Give yourself permission to go slowly and not have sex until you're sure of your feelings,' says Rosendale.
Ex-Sex Fear #2
MY EX LOVED MY BODY. WILL HE?
'Unless you're dating a male model, your new lover's body isn't going to be perfect, either. Give yourself a break,' advises Cox. You can always cover up with sheets until you feel comfortable.
Ex-Sex Fear #3
WILL I REMEMBER WHAT TO DO?
Rarely does first-time sex with a new man go like in the movies. 'Don't expect the first few sessions to have the practised ease of the last few sessions with an ex,' says Taylor. 'Try to enjoy the newness – if he lasts, the newness won't!'
Ex-Sex Fear #4
WHAT IF HE'S NOT AS GOOD AS I'M USED TO?
'Don't compare this with those you enjoyed with your ex,' advises Taylor. 'Imagine he has an L-plate on his bottom and keep that in mind; he's probably using moves his ex enjoyed.'
Ex-Sex Fear #5
WILL HE THINK I'M ANY GOOD?
According to a survey, enthusiasm is the most important quality for men in a sexual partner. Cox agrees: 'It beats the hell out of technical skills.'