Why Do Men...

Much as we love our men, there are some things we just can’t get to grips with – whether it’s their unbreakable relationship with the TV remote or their weird post-date behaviour. But not any longer because we’ve made a list of their most confusing habits and asked writer Dominic Utton to explain what’s going on. So, Dominic – just why do you lot...

… LIKE 2-MINUTE NOODLES?
Because we’re busy! We could cook if we wanted to (many of the world’s best chefs are men, after all) but sometimes we’ve barely got a minute to boil a kettle in between that post-work beer and settling down to Modern Warfare.

… NEED TO BE IN CHARGE OF BRAAIS AND TV REMOTES?
It’s difficult being a man nowadays. Our masculinity is under attack everywhere: you want to be our bosses at work, get us doing the housework at home – and are even supposedly out-drinking us at the bar! Give us something, please? Let us at least hold the remote – even if we have no choice about what we watch.

... GET SCARED BY THE ‘L’ WORD?
Believe it or not, the big conversations, like moving in/marriage/children, don’t always scare the living daylights out of us. What does freak us out at the start of a relationship is, ‘My last boyfriend did it this way.’ Even if it’s just about making a cup of tea. We take it as, ‘You’ll never be able to satisfy me like he did.’ Then there’s, ‘Maybe you could take my dad for a drink?’ You’re thinking bonding; we’re thinking, ‘The old man wants to get us alone. He knows all the filthy things I’ve been doing with his daughter and might actually kill me.’

... GO ALL QUIET SOMETIMES?
Because we’re thinking ‘How could she say that? Hang on, is she right? Damn it, she is right. Now what? Ooh, hold up, look at that girl over there! Could that skirt be any shorter? OK, concentrate, I’m supposed to be angry. Did she notice me looking then? No – phew! Right. Where was I? God, I hate it when she’s right...’

… NEVER CALL WHEN YOU SAY YOU WILL?
Two possible reasons. First, we forgot. Genuine mistake. Sorry. Second, we were never going to call. We just didn’t want to hurt your feelings. But that’s better than saying to your face we’re not interested, isn’t it? And what’s your obsession with waiting for ‘the right time to call’? Is there a right time? Why hasn’t anyone told us?

… INSIST ON SCRATCHING YOUR CROTCH IN PUBLIC?
You notice that? Oops!

Author: Dominic Utton