Never Joke About These Things

For most guys, a kick-ass sense of humour in a woman ranks right up there with a nice rack. And though we pride ourselves on being able to take ribbing as well as we dish it out, some material is just no laughing matter to us. Consider the following subjects unsuitable comic fodder.

His Future Hair Loss
With the exception of superrich Hollywood types like Bruce Willis, most guys with shiny chrome domes are not deemed the sexiest men alive. That's why many guys stress about potential future loss. And if there's even a hint of thinning, it's certain to be a really sore subject. 'I once had a date joke that I better grab a hat because it was chilly outside and she didn't want my scalp to catch a cold,' says Rich*, 30. 'Look, I know my lid is starting to look a little lean, but I don't need a woman reminding me... even if it's in jest.'

His Paltry Paycheck
Yes, it's a little Stone Age, but we men consider it our manly obligation to bring home the bacon. When our salary doesn't stack up, we feel totally emasculated. It's like we measure our worth in relationship to our wallet (or at least we think you do). So you can see why kidding around about your sugar-mama status isn't exactly our idea of stand-up. 'I know it's wrong, but I'm embarrassed that my girlfriend out-earns me,' admits Andrew, 28. 'She once made a quip about letting me stay home Mr. Mom-style while she supported us, and I lost it. We've since come to an understanding that until I hit the lottery or open my own restaurant, money is something that can't be taken lightly.' Bottom line: It's not that we don't appreciate your alpha-female status. We just don't want to be your beta boy toy.

His Mom
It's a rule that dates back to the playground: Once you start insulting a boy's mother, things are going get ugly. Sure, he's allowed to goof on her mommy jeans, burned malva pudding, and obsession with Cliff Richard, but when you chime in, it's a different story. 'I love my mom to death. She's a total character,' says Josh, 30. 'I bust on her nonstop, and she gives it right back to me. But if my girlfriend added her two cents, I'd find it totally disrespectful.' Bonus tip: Sisters are untouchable too.

His Member
In a nutshell, keep johnson jokes to yourself – especially if you ever want his penis to come out to play again. Our 'boys' are serious business. There's nothing comedic about commentary on any of the following: size (or more accurately lack thereof), shape, and colour. Just ask Bill, 26: 'I'm sensitive about the fact that my package is a shade darker than the rest of my flesh. I was once with a girl who took one look, giggled, and named him the Dark Horse. It made me so self-conscious that I couldn't perform.' Your best bet? Stay mute about his member, unless you feel compelled to characterise it as monstrous.

* Names have been changed

Author: Chris Connolly