It's Voodoo, Doll!

Women are magicians when it comes to placing men under their spell. But while guys usually enjoy being bewitched, there are some magic tricks they'd like to make disappear.

Men are a little simple. And that's okay. We're good in other areas, such as Putt-Putt, getting dressed quickly and accidentally scaring small children. But throughout history women have relied on this simplicity to perpetrate massive amounts of trickery on the male mind. The truth is, David Blaine has nothing on the amount of downright black magic that goes into the average female's day. From push-up bras to shampoo so advanced it can do basic algebra, women are masters of the art of illusion – and men are slowly waking up to this fact.

This isn't a good thing. We like to be dazzled by disappearing hemlines and sleight-of-hand lipstick application. So in an attempt to restore some of our faith in women's superiority, here are some of the most blatant female illusions that should be removed from your book of spells:

FASHION
Wearing stilettos every day is great – if you're Brigitte the Scandinavian dominatrix. For everybody else, wearing stilettos to the beach or bowling alley is an attempt at fashion voodoo that just doesn't work. Guys now know that girls wear high heels to enhance their legs and butt, and to give themselves some height. The attempt to look lithe, leggy and sophisticated is appreciated but some days your legs and butt just have to fend for themselves.

PARTYING
There are a number of half-truths that women tell at clubs. Making small talk with guys at the bar is a trick as transparent as white cotton underwear in the pool. Rather than string them along, just tell it like it is: 'I think you're hideously ugly and you have about as much chance of sleeping with me as Lindsay Lohan has of being considered a serious actress, but I'd prefer not to pay for my own drinks.' With that out of the way, everyone can relax and dispense with formalities such as eye contact and conversation, and just get on with worthwhile activities such as glaring at ridiculously good-looking people and getting hammered.

HOBBIES
Pole dancing is a hobby that has really taken off. Performing a sexy pole dance for your guy is a good idea – if you know what you're doing. However, as with meditation, masturbation and listening to your CD of mating calls of the Icelandic ice rhino, beginners' pole dancing is an art best practised alone. Attempting to do the wild pole rumba for a guy without the necessary skills is a magic trick that just doesn't work. Remember that time you walked into a pole while you were sending an SMS? That was sexier than your random muscular spasms to the Dirty Dancing soundtrack.

RELATIONSHIPS
Telling a guy 'My parents really like you' after he's just met them for the first time is just silly. All guys know that unless you're an actuarial rocket surgeon, shop at Hilton Weiner and play golf at the same club as your girlfriend's father, it's mathematically impossible for a girl's parents to like you immediately. It's common guy knowledge that putting up with polite small talk such as 'If you ever break my little girl's heart, I'll hunt you down and gouge out your eyes with a Carrol Boyes spoon' is necessary until they finally give up and learn to tolerate you.

CHOCOLATE
Finally, saying 'I don't really like chocolate' indicates untrustworthiness on a profound level. Not only is it obviously untrue but it also challenges a fundamental truth that men have relied on for centuries: all women will forgive even the stupidest male indiscretion with enough chocolate. To suggest that we may not be able to buy our way out of trouble with Lindt is ridiculous, and a little scary. So you see, in your daily routines and with your simple fashion choices and nonchalant comments you carry the weight of the fragile male psyche desperate to gape in awe and wonderment at the shimmering, effervescent female presence. Do not take these illusions lightly. To paraphrase Sir Walter Scott: what a tangled web you have to weave, when first a guy you practise to deceive.

Author: James Simpson