The Emotional Prenup
I once met a guy who was sexy, funny, intelligent and great in bed. In other words, The Perfect Man. After several dates, all ending in the same place (my bed), I suggested that perhaps I should consider going on the Pill (girl-speak for ‘Let’s get serious’). When he lazily replied, ‘Don’t do it on account of me,’ and turned over to go to sleep, I was horrified. His answer said all I needed to know about our relationship status.
In one throwaway sentence, he’d presented me with an emotional prenup: the only thing he wanted access to was my pants. How could I have misread things so badly? All the signs were there: we only met on his terms, he wasn’t interested in meeting my friends, and our ‘dates’ generally consisted of a couple of hours in a bar before going back to mine. I’d unwittingly signed a contract I hadn’t understood. Had I looked at the small print, it probably would have read, ‘Sex, no serious relationship.’ I’d been served an emotional prenup and I didn’t see it coming - mainly because I’d convinced myself I could change him.
HAPPY EVER… NEVER
Brenda Della Casa, author of Cinderella Was a Liar: The Real Reason You Can’t Find (or Keep} a Prince (McGraw Hill), says the reason we often don’t realise we’ve been served an emotional prenup is because we’re too focused on the Happily Ever After. So, when he says, ‘l just want to have fun,’ we hear, ‘I just want to have fun for now but, one day I’ll want a serious relationship.’
The reason commitment-shy guys like these prenups is because, by being open about their emotional intentions (or lack of them), they can get what they want from us (usually sex), then use their well-constructed get-out clauses when we become too clingy (think, ‘I told you I just wanted to have some fun’). If we agree to their terms, we’re effectively giving them what they wanted in the first place: a shag buddy.
THE NO-STRINGS CONTRACT
‘An emotional prenup is effectively an agreement to devalue all the wonderful things about relationships, such as the bond, commitment and love you want and deserve,’ says Della Casa. So, when you’re presented with one, you need to ask yourself whether you’re really after a meaningless fling. If you are, pick up that pen and sign with a flourish. But if that’s not all you want, you need to ask yourself whether you’re comfortable accepting his proposal.
Mostly, a guy will lay his emotional prenup on the table and tell you straight up he’s not looking for anything serious. But there are several other phrases he may use too – classics such as, ‘We’re having fun; why complicate things?’, or, ‘Let’s just see how things go’, or even, ‘My last girlfriend was really clingy’. From the moment he utters those words and you declare you feel exactly the same way, you’re forfeiting your right to a meaningful relationship.
The problem is, what a guy sees as a clear signal, our fantasies turn into a mixed message. We convince ourselves that when he says, ‘I don’t want a relationship’, what he means is, ‘I didn’t want a relationship before I met you’. We want to be the one who can entice them into settling down.
Sex also has a habit of confusing things. A friend of mine went to bed with a friend of hers who she’d liked for ages. They were drunk, he said he didn’t want a relationship, and they had sex. The next morning they had sex again. It felt intimate and she convinced herself he’d changed his mind and wanted more. But the painful truth was, he’d just felt horny again.
NO-MATE DATES
Della Casa has a theory about picking up these signs. ‘A relationship is like a good role in a movie – it develops over time,’ she explains. ‘You start with the flirting and the little games, and then it moves on to a deeper level, and you start becoming part of each other’s lives. If, after six months, you haven’t met his friends, and the closest you’ve come to a proper date is your local bar, the relationship isn’t going anywhere. And if your stomach is still in knots all the time, you need to realise it’s not butterflies. When a man cares about you, you know exactly where you stand.’
Truth is, we have to accept that a man’s emotional prenup is a serious contract that he has no intention of breaking. And no wonder, when he’s the one reaping the benefits. ‘When he says, “Let’s just have some fun”, what he actually means is, “Let me just have some fun”,’ says Della Casa. ‘There is nothing “fun” about caring for someone more than they care about you.’
The trick is to remember, if a man is offering an emotional prenup, you don’t have to sign it. Now you understand the small print, you can be just as clear with your terms, and see whether he agrees to them. You never know; you may be surprised. And, if he doesn’t agree, he’s not worth the paper you wrote on.