Smlirt Expert
Zoë Foster recruits a few dating experts to reveal the art of casual-but-effective 'smlirting'. (Be warned: this isn't the kind of advice you're used to.)
YOU GET THIS THE NIGHT AFTER YOU MET/KISSED HIM FOR THE FIRST TIME AT A PARTY:
'So, vodka girl, how you feeling? Nice to meet you last night. Can I see you again tonight? Let's see a movie… I'll pick you up at 6?'
What you're tempted to write back: 'Six is great – see you then!'
What is best to write back: 'Love to, but I have plans. Maybe we can go on Monday? Itching to see the new [insert actor/actress] film.'
Here's why: You may want to see him more than anything, and you may rely on momentum to get relationships going, but give it a day. Men are notorious for rushing into relationships, only to startle themselves just as you're getting into it. The key is to set the pace from the outset. He can't go from being a stranger one day to scoring prime time the next. He's got to know that you're busy with a full life, and that your time is valuable.
I'm not anti-spontaneity, just aware of its side effects. Jacinta Tynan, author of Good Man Hunting (Transworld Publishers), agrees: 'I'd text back and say that it was special to meet him too (if it was) and suggest he call me next week instead.' But Amanda Booth, author of The Break-Up Survival Guide (Hardie Grant Books), disagrees: 'Give guys a bit of leverage. It takes courage to ask a girl out – we don't want them to stop doing it.' Thing is, if you are busy and need to balance your week with friends, family and work commitments, then be true to yourself. Because it's way too soon to be handing over your life.
YOU GET THIS ON A FRIDAY NIGHT, AFTER GIVING YOUR NUMBER TO (CUTE, FUNNY) HIM AT A PARTY TWO WEEKS AGO:
'Hi sexy, are you around? Want to meet for a drink?'
What you're tempted to write back: 'Love to – where? I'll come now!'
What is best to write back: Nothing, or 'Sorry, who is this?'
Here's why: He's had a whole week to call or SMS you. But, somehow, he's been so monumentally busy (leading a small nation?) that he couldn't find the 15.2 seconds to SMS you until the exact moment he felt like some female company. And with an SMS like that, he is essentially saying that he can't make the (minimal) effort needed to contact you through the week to organise a proper date. Instead, he's cast you in the role of Girl Who is Only Worthy of a Late-Night Proposition. He probably doesn't realise that you're not the kind of girl who will race off to meet him – you value yourself much more than that.
Booth agrees: 'Don't be available to see him straight away – he needs to work harder than that! This way he'll realise he has a 'catch' on his hands.' Tynan says she'd text back… but only to say, Sorry. Who is this? 'It's extremely presumptuous to assume he's the only guy inviting me for a drink,' she says.
YOU RUN INTO YOUR EX AT THE SHOPPING CENTRE AND HE SENDS YOU THIS:
'You look great. I miss you… can we meet for a coffee some time?'
What you're tempted to write back: Depending on how your break-up went down, it will either be something encouraging or something polite and 'take-care'-ish.
What is best to write back: Again, it all depends on whether you left him or he left you (broken-hearted); either ignore him, or SMS a simple, Thanks, but no thanks.
Here's why: It's easy to send an SMS. It's harder to call, and impossible to express things face-to-face. But if he wants to chat he has to do more than SMS. And if he's serious, he will.
Of course, you and your ego will be secretly delighted he texted, but that doesn't warrant a reply. If you don't respond, sure, it will torture you both, but it forces him to assess how serious he is, and to get off his thumb and make a sincere effort to talk. If he SMSes again, you can reply by saying you feel it's more appropriate to discuss it in person.
Says Booth, 'Throw him a lifeline, but only if it works for you. Don't do it if you have a 'heroin break-up relationship' – where you need the fix, but it brings you down in the long run.' Not interested? Tynan says: 'Thank him for his kind words, say he looks well, and leave it at that.'
YOU GET THIS AFTER HE'D MADE PLANS WITH YOU FOR THE NIGHT BEFORE, BUT NEVER CALLED:
'Sorry, had to go to a mate's farewell. Catch up next week?'
What you're tempted to write back: 'How about let's not, asshole.'
What is best to write back: Nothing.
Here's why: 'He is not respecting you or your time, and doesn't deserve a second chance,' says Tynan. 'It'd have taken five seconds for him to call and say something has come up. He could have even invited you along.'
Remember He's Just Not That Into You (Harper Collins Publishers)? It was written about boys and situations like this. On top of that thing called 'courtesy', you know that if you really liked someone and had an opportunity to see them, there's no chance you wouldn't a) see them, or b) let them know immediately if something had come up, before locking in a new date.
'It's really rude,' says Booth. 'I wouldn't bother responding, he is out of line.' In a nutshell: delete that number; abort the mission.
YOU GET THIS AT 2.23AM ON A SUNDAY MORNING FROM A GUY YOU'VE 'SORTA' BEEN SEEING:
'Where is the lady of the night? Been looking for you everywhere. Want to see you! Need to see you! Can I come over?'
What you're tempted to write back: 'You know my address…'
What is best to write back: Nothing at first, but the following morning you might want to flick him a How's your head? SMS. That's if he hasn't already contacted you to apologise for those 43 missed calls.
Here's why: Anyone who's sending you SMSes at that hour isn't of sober or sound mind. That's not to say he doesn't mean what he writes, but ask yourself if he'd send that message to you on a Tuesday afternoon. It's very easy to be adorable and saucy when you've got alcohol streaming through your veins.
The bottom line? Beware the late-night text. It's usually fuelled by devil juice and randy thoughts… caused by aforementioned juice. Tynan advises pretending that the SMS never happened. 'I'd ignore the text and wait for him to call when he sobers up. If he's so desperate to see me, he should have invited me out.'
And as Booth says, 'Do you really want to see him when he has been out until then, slurring his words and stinking of smoke? Even if you are feeling like sex, it's unlikely to be worthwhile.'
YOU GET THIS AT 6.35PM ON THE ONLY FREE NIGHT YOU HAVE TO SEE HIM THIS WEEK. YOU'VE JUST GOT HOME AND YOU'RE ABOUT TO START COOKING DINNER IN TIME TO WATCH PRISON BREAK:
'And what are you up to tonight, miss? Catch-up?'
What you're tempted to write back: 'Not much… what about you?'
What is best to write back: 'Just cooked dinner. Can we reschedule for next week?'
Here's why: If he really wants to see you, he needs to give you more than an hour's notice – after all, you're a busy, social, fabulous girl with a pretty full-on schedule. And you never cancel plans to see a boy.
Tynan (who I booked in several days ahead to comment on these SMS scenarios) knows the score: 'Only girlfriends and family are allowed to give you such short notice – especially if it's via SMS. I would politely decline the invitation and be honest about needing more notice. If he's that into me, he'll book ahead.'
Booth agrees, 'Your time is valuable and he is lucky whenever you choose to spend it with him. I know it's hard when you really want to see him, but he should be giving you more time than that to organise catching up.'
Think of it like this: which would he value more, the car his dad buys for him or the car he saved for two years to buy? You're a precious commodity, and you deserve to be treated as such. Basically, the way you value your time teaches him the way he is to treat you. Endure a little now, gain a lot later.