Should You Date Her Ex?
It should have been the perfect pull. There I was, dancing in a club with a guy I liked. He was gorgeous: tall, tanned, with a sexy accent and eyes that could only be described in Mills & Boon terms as ‘to die for’. We’d known each other for six months and had spent many nights out with mutual friends. As we danced that night, I saw he was heading in my direction. He liked me, too!
There was just one tiny obstacle: he was a good friend’s ex.
In those moments, I frantically tried to justify the idea of kissing him: she dumped him! They were only together two months! She has another boyfriend! They never really got on! However much I tried, though, I still didn’t feel comfortable about making a move. There just seemed to be no avoiding it: sleeping with a friend’s ex was a major taboo. If I took the plunge, I could be accused of stamping on her territory and generally being a bitch – not ideal.
Unsurprisingly, it’s a situation most of us find ourselves in. As my friend Fiona, 28, says, ‘In any group, you get to know each other’s boyfriends, and chances are, if your friend likes him, you will too. Sometimes, when the couple breaks up, you start looking at the guy in a new way.’
But, while it might be tempting, should you actually go for it? In my case, l weighed up the situation and (with a serious shot of will power) decided not to. He was only in town for a few more months and I wasn’t keen on losing a close friend for a relationship that probably wouldn’t last. I also thought of how my friend would feel. I knew she would always worry we’d talk about her, comparing notes on the way she bites her nails or that time she threw up in a taxi. And that’s before you consider any sexual comparisons... It just didn’t seem entirely fair.
Occasionally though, I have to admit, I’ve wondered whether I did the right thing. After all, he was interesting, as well as gorgeous and funny. If I’d gone for it, perhaps I’d be living with him now, sitting on the beach, topping up my own tan.
‘You did the right thing,’ my friend Jane, 26, reassured me. ‘Someone did that to me a few years ago and it was humiliating. I would never, ever, sleep with a friend’s ex.’
Her view made sense when she explained her story. ‘Ben was my first serious boyfriend and we were inseparable. After six months, my friend Maggie returned from travelling and, a few weeks later, Ben dumped me. It was such a shock. Maggie comforted me but, a week later, I heard she was going out with him. I was devastated. Not only had I lost a boyfriend and a friend, I also felt everyone was laughing at me behind my back. It was one of the lowest periods of my life.’
The other problem, as far as Jane sees it, is that sleeping with a friend’s ex can affect your whole group of friends. This was certainly something that occurred to me. Did I really want to be known as a man-stealer? Would other friends avoid introducing me to their new men, just in case?
‘For a long time, no one felt comfortable inviting all three of us to a party, and that was awkward,’ says Jane. ‘Also, while I’ve since forgiven Maggie (and her relationship with Ben is long over), other friends still won’t talk to her. They just can’t forgive her.’
So, for Jane, the rules are simple – ignore any attraction you have, however strong. ‘There's more than one person out there for everyone and you should move on and find someone less controversial,’ she advises.
DANGEROUS LIAISONS
I think that’s pretty hardline, but hardly surprising given Jane’s experience. Surely it depends at least a little on how strongly you feel about the guy. Jane might say there are lots of men out there, but what if you genuinely feel he’s The One? If you really think you have a future with someone, it might be asking too much to give that up. As Gemma, 26, says, ‘If a lot of time has passed and there’s an undeniable connection, you have to go for it. Otherwise, you might miss out on the love of your life.’
Office manager Louise, 29, agrees. ‘If you think you might have a solid future, I don’t think it’s wrong. There is an exception, though – I’d never go out with my best friend Karen’s exes, even if my feelings were so strong I believed we’d eventually get married. With your best friend, you talk a lot about relationships and I know that, even though Karen split up with her last two boyfriends, she still has feelings for them. For me to go out with one of them would just be plain spiteful.’
If you do decide to go for it, it’s also worth considering how their old relationship might affect your new one. ‘The ghost of their relationship will always be there,’ Louise continues. ‘It’s very hard to build a good relationship on a foundation of guilt.’
Weigh up all these factors, though, and it could be that, on balance, it’s right to make a move. A few rules do, of course, apply. The hardest of them all – but the one that could save your friendship – is to wait until they’ve been apart for as long as they were together. Granted, this is seriously tough if they were together for five years, but with that much history between them, it’s worth waiting as long as you can.
Another rule is that, ideally, she should be the dumper, not dumpee. You don’t want your friend to feel humiliated and there’s less chance of that if she split up with him.
And finally, remember, you’ll probably never be quite as close to your friend again. So if he was with your best friend, however strongly you feel about him, think twice, as a true best friend is for life…
TOUGH COMPETITION
So what if you’ve decided ‘ex’ territory isn’t worth the pain – as I did – and you and your girlfriend are out on the pull and, heaven forbid, you fancy the same guy?
Take it from me, that’s even worse. I was out drinking with my close friend Bella, when we met a guy, Tom, who we both liked. I was single, while Bella had a boyfriend of two years. Heading home that night, I said, ‘Wow, Tom’s attractive.’ Bella’s eyes narrowed: ‘Hands off! He’s mine!’ I couldn’t believe it. It seemed so unfair – not least because she was attached – but I could also see she meant it, so I stepped aside. She began an affair, sharing all the steamy details, while I tried to hide my resentment. Then, a few months later, Tom told me I was the one he’d always fancied. I told him where to go (I certainly wasn’t interested by then), and I suppose it did help to even out the situation.
‘When I was younger,’ agrees Jane, ‘I’d always stand aside to avoid a fight. A friend who I went travelling with was a nightmare, though. Every single guy we met she’d claim to fancy. I’m not even sure she did – I think she’d just say it to make it awkward for me. When I did finally start going out with one guy, she sulked for months. She only cheered up when I went away for a night and she slept with him!’
‘Now I’m older,’ Jane continues, ‘I wouldn’t bow out. I’d leave it unspoken and see who ended up with him. I definitely wouldn’t get her permission. Even if a friend says yes, she’ll resent it if you succeed, and if she says no, you’ll resent her for holding you back.’
When it comes to sleeping with a friend’s ex, extreme caution is recommended. Weigh up the pros and cons, consider your friend’s feelings first and only pursue if he’s really worth it. But as for the guy you both fancy, all bets are off: just dust yourself down and prepare for the stampede!